Irritated, fuming, mad, outraged, livid, furious and seething. I work with all due diligence not to let the worst of my emotions to surface in a negative manner. I am capable of an intense temper that I have worked many years on keeping in check. I find that I am loosing that learned ability. Why you ask? Many reasons but today after a long hiatus from blogging I BCarol will share.
First for those of you who wonder about my Cougardom I have focused all my energies on the employment hunt. I find that my mental focus is on gainful employment that will meet with my mental, emotional and monetary needs. I have come close to finding this gainful fulfillment. Please send BCarol any positive energy you have! I am in need.
Now for my anger! First as you know I am unemployed and was released due to my inability to care for my direct reports and my helplessness to increase income by double digits. I could not argue about the increase in income. It did not happen, it is not going to happen and unless there is a radical recovery within the U.S. of A’s economy it ain’t going to happen anytime soon. Sad but all tooooo true… May I also add that I knew that the economic indicators have been predicting this for some time (for about three years)? I was called negative and not pulling the company line.
A rule from my gram... Wanting ain’t getting. I am not at the least angry about this what pisses me off? The shared fact that I did not care for my people. I was heart broken and left feeling as if a pair of stilettos had danced across my individual worth. I had moved beyond that until I heard from staff after weeks of no communication. What did I find out? What could set my even keel demeanor into a tailspin? Simple the conclusion that my former reports thought that I blamed them for my dismissal and that I was angry with them? Me, angry with them? I thought that I was a deficient person that they wanted gone.
If you want me gone simply fire me. If you do not like my work, my intellect, my style, my personality, my ability to use words that are not monosyllabic, my culture, my directness, my non-conformist attitude and my ability to be proactive instead of reactive so be it. Do not lie to me or play both ends against the middle to gain personal power, prestige or an inept feeling of superiority. My being on this earth cannot take away or add to someone’s personal value and worth. If you want to be respected, loved or promoted you earn it.
Some have been hurt by this and I hope for their healing and positive forward momentum. Also, I am working on forgiveness to those who blatantly lied to me. Good thing that I have medicinal vodka based beverages and a solid faith…
Ah, faith is the second part of my lividness. Church. I really enjoy my church. It is my haven for reflection and putting faith in the everyday. Wow, what a concept! I mean acting with Christian values daily. Well today I lost my Christian in church. Why dare you ask?
First there is a male of the species (I will refer to him as HWSNBN) that I have written about in some detail in my past blogs. HWSNBN also attends the same church. I have since given up on him in a friendship or a romantic vein. Personally I think he is in need of some kind of direction and hasn’t the ability to follow it to some kind of positive conclusion.
Today I walked into church to my usually pew to sit. I know there are not assigned seats in a church but for the most part we all have a general area we sit in during service. I found that the pew of my choosing had been taken. How odd I thought. Five years and I always sit alone in the first pew on the left hand side. Only to find the ex-wife of HWSNBN usurped my space.
Let me add a little detail to this. The ex-wife and HWSNBN have been divorced for sometime. The ex-wife has decided that she made an error in divorcing HWSNBN. The ex-wife rarely if ever attend church with HWSNBN she attend a church of a different denomination. Suddenly the ex-wife started attending any event at my church. How odd I thought. She would bring their children all of whom are grown. She would follow HWSNBN in anything that he would do. If you saw HWSNBN you had the ex-wife too.
I asked if there was a reconciliation in the works only not to be answered by HWSNBN. Okay dude good luck and SEE YA!
Alas, the farewell is not going well in fact I am really pissed off! Why? This woman and I use the term loosely (I am a woman, intelligent, independent, able to create original thought and to understand that action does have consequences) has chosen me to be her new friend. Since I do not seek her company she manages to find me and plant herself as closely as possible. I must undergo her marking her territory (HWSNBN). I am forced to watch her simpering and adolescent attempts to win back the love of her life. I wish her luck in fact if you can attain it good for you. Did I mention that HWSNBN seems repulsed if he is anywhere within three feet of her? Talk about a fucked up mess from two adults over the age of 50. Life is short. Get together or don’t just leave me out of it.
I ask that you stay out of MY pew. I am never going to like you. It has little to do with your choice of mate but in your abilities. Intellect…not so much, being aware of your emotional worth…clueless, the cause in effect of your actions…would require forward thinking, and finally when people walk away from you or you can disperse a room of people by your presence it is time to reevaluate your appeal. Now leave me the hell alone. In fact avoidance would be very helpful so that I can find my peace of mind, my Christian and new employment!
Strangely, I feel ever so much better!
