I have an ex-boss who is mad at God. When she said it aloud I was stunned. This from a woman who played by the rules. Went to school worked hard and was dedicated to her children and her faith. She too had suffered from long-term unemployment and has lost her home of 17 years. She tried to work with her bank went through her savings and could not help her son with his first year of college. Talk about never ending crap!
She is angry, bitter and disillusioned. Who wouldn’t be? She blames God for not answering her prayers in time. I told her that she has not been homeless, hungry or cold. “Yes, I know” was all I heard. All her friends of faith say the same thing. Oddly, that was all I had. There were no platitudes that would alleviate her emotional turmoil.
In a brief flash I thought of the Color Purple and Celie. “I’m poor. Black, I might even be ugly, but dear God I’m here. I’m here.” Then I realized that sometimes just being is all that God, Higher Power, Faith allows for. In all honesty in this day and age it isn’t enough. “What about” is how my thoughts have started these past years. My home, my job, gas in the car, electric bills, threatening phone calls was my life.
Now after loosing it all I am able to see things a wee bit more clearly.
Was it pleasant? Hell no! Would I do it again? Hell no! Why would anyone want too? Can I find my way? Maybe but there will still be many, M A N Y wrong turns in front of me. Yet, I am not mad at God. I am mad at human kind. I am mad at greed. I am disgusted with excess. I want to scream at the world that tells me why I am wrong and they are right. Still not at God do I raise my voice.
I prayed and sobbed not to loose all that I have. The prayer was answered with no! My tears still fell, my friends stood by me and life moved on. Still my anger is not at God. My anger comes to me in many ways. I hate me for not being a lawyer or such. I should have done better in school. I should have been true to myself. I should have had the positive energy to survive. I did not and while I can blame the world which I do, I blame me. Again, God gives tools and choices; I wasted mine for almost 50 years.
Anger at God still I answer no. The wonderful thing about anger and God is that God has shoulders strong enough and broad enough to handle any weight thrown. Along with that comes never ending forgiveness and understanding. Whatever your God is Christian, Buddhism, Islam or Judaism…. The shoulders remain strong and unyielding. Be mad at God and work through it. As in any relationship “no” is never easy and always causes some pain and grief.
The answer of “no” has caused me to become reflective and somewhat objective. I know what my heart said to me daily but my mind told me to live as I was instructed and expected too. While this may have pleased some it caused me to become old, weary, bitter and defeated. I have found with my “no” came answers. What did joy mean? What is happiness? What is it that makes my soul sing and beg to be free? Alas, without the painful “NO” from God I would have never of known.
Am I mad? You bet. Am I BCarol piss’d? Yes sir and do not let the venom of my anger touch you for it will cause pain and damage. Does God know? Yes, and in details that no one else will ever know. Now it is up to me to take all that I have learned. I must live, love and be who I am meant to be. Not likely will I be very popular but at least my anger will not be because of what I am but because I waited so long to be who I am.
