Today I was talking to God. I know that many think of the Almighty as someone or something you turn on at church like a radio. In my view, no. God is a 24 hour, seven days a week kind of entity. Alpha to Omega, how do you argue with that?
I however argue with the Lord Almighty with regularity. I scream, swear, plead, beg and any other means of communication you can name. What I have found is that our relationship is changing. No, God has not changed. God is as he/she/it always was I however am not.
I asked the Lord where am I? Why am I so… I could not make a list. Nothing was wrong but something was missing. For a moment I had clarity in my mind’s eye. I saw it clearly.
It was like a long and serious illness. Not a cancer or a lingering but more of an attack. As if my heart failed me. I knew I was ill and weak but continued to move forward. I ignored my health and kept moving adding more and more until finally the attack came. This experience a brief moment brought me to the precipice of death. I had been so ill and growing worse that I no longer knew health or even rest. I was fine and well wasn't i?
I saw myself hospitalized. I could see tubes running everywhere. Machines beeping and the respirator newly removed. I was exhausted and spent. Breathing was all that I could and would manage. What was left to do but examine the damage and to heal. Yes, heal. There was no way to avoid the eternal process of healing.
I had to learn to breathe again. I had to find my balance and the ability to place gravity in its rightful place. To regain use of my hands and to again hear the sounds that surrounded me in infinite abundance. I must start my long rehabilitation. Just as someone has a heart attack or has lost a limb I must regain the strength and agility I once had.
My body is well enough but the other aspects of my soul are absent. All things that make a great creation must be cared for. I and those around me were given a user manual but being human we and I thought our plan better. It was not! The vanity of mankind.
Instead of lifting weights and strengthening my arms I lift my eyes and look into the looking glass to see who looks back. I give words of love and strength. I share all the secrets that have been kept with that reflection. Tears, unconditional understanding and forgiveness are given. This causes weakness, soreness and days of weariness. To regain strength is not easy but it is worth the doing.
Walks in the sun give my body exercises but give my spirit the time to fly, to create or to just be still. As I move from hospital bed to a transition of care there is one thing that I do remember. When I close my eyes I was never alone. My hand was held with comfort and great compassion by God. I was not alone even in my deepest pain and misery. I could and still hear the calm of a voice repeating peace, peace, peace.
I know that I will not be well at once or in days… I grew ill over many years I will grow well after time. How much time is up to me and how hard I will work. Honestly I think physical therapy would be easier. This time I will follow the user manual. I have found that the short cuts are far from short. Peace, peace, peace…
