Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos

UNCLE! Relinquish! Submit! Acquiesce!

Oh Fates, Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos what trickery do you play on me? Are you watching me with jest? Am I the equivalent of a situation comedy? Do you watch from your cave or are you on Olympus?

God, do you test me so that I recognize your grace? Is it to understand your unconditional love? Is this to teach me penitence or patients? Is it because I am the equivalent of a situation comedy?

I know that the above is not true. I know that God in all his/her infinite wisdom does have a sense of humor. I mean he/she must we are created in his/her image and humans do love a good laugh but you must wonder. Reminds me of a play “Steam Bath”. Remnants of another life…

Okay, I guess the rant flows from the fear blog. I have come to the conclusion that just because I want it does not mean that it is going to happen. We are not talking about shoes, sapphires and fast cars. I know that I am not meant to have these items and I am now okay with it. In my 20’s I was not okay but now I have moved on.

Okay so why does anyone even care about what I want? Simple, I am a viable, kind and spiritual person. I have been giving for decades and I would like a little something in return (this is not about sour grapes). You know, untold happiness, health, new siding for my house, a family that enjoys spending time together. I won’t even go into the personal of adoration, respect for my abilities and the never ending woman thing to be thought of or perceived as beautiful.

I assume (assume can make an ass out of u and me) that the fates are causing the above not to happen. Why I ask? I have little if any power. I am not a Greek Heroine. I don’t even remember anything about Greek Antiquity. Wait isn’t there something about columns? Maybe those are Roman…Doric, Ionic, Corinthian. This liberal arts education has my brain packed with crap I do not need but can I remember a phone number or the safe combination? No! This is a rant!

Back to what I want... me, me, me, me, me, me! This following is for you God. I have good health. I can see, hear, my teeth are factory originals and my body does what I tell it to do even if it is sometimes begrudgingly. I am mentally healthy too, although after reading my blogs this could be in question. The siding for my house…well that is like buying a car one day soon after I pay for my current automobile I can buy vinyl siding! After all what is life without debt? What is better is I have skills that I am being paid for.

I receive respect for my abilities daily. I am asked many questions by many people who value my opinion. It can be personal or professional. What is so odd is I say what I think and leave it at that. It seems to me that “you” would look for a person with a more contented disposition. Adoration? I can be a Hottie in my own mind if not in anyone elses. Actually I am a genteel woman with good skin, a sense of style and so I have been told a great rack. All that spun together does sound like untold happiness. Could it be that happiness is something you choose to be? I am going to start writing self help books.

You too can be happy by an angry yet genteel woman.
AKA
Don’t mess with me or I will rip your head off with an escargot fork!

My family? There are some things that are best left alone. Miracles happen every day but I would rather have a miracle that has some kind of far reaching effect. A cure for HIV/AIDS, peace in the Middle East or normal weather patterns to end the droughts world wide. Now I dictate what is a suitable miracle to God. Hmmm, maybe I am the living sit com on the human folly channel?

Manolo Blahnik shoes, the breasts of a 20 year old and jumping spiders

At church Sunday there is this thing we do that drives me nuts! It is the habitual “Greeting each other in the Peace of Christ”. I am not a hand shaking, smile and be cheerful congregation member so I find this to be rather painful. If this is not bad enough we must ask each other a question (now there are tests, it isn’t like living a Christian life alone isn’t challenging enough).

Last Sunday’s question was most intriguing. I still did not ask anyone the question nor did I answer it. The question… What is one of your greatest fears? What helps you to cope with it?

Fears... I have many fears. Why must I choose one? I know why, the time limitations during worship service. Since this blog is my therapy on my spiritual and emotional journey I will rant about my fears and what I intend to do about them if I am so moved.

Number One:

Spiders, Arachnids, eight legged freaks! Snakes no problem, worms not an issue, assorted aquatic creatures, furry animals large to small I am good with. There is just something wrong about a spider. They are hairy, have odd little bodies, eat their mates (okay maybe that isn’t so bad) and can jump. The jumping thing is really unnerving to me.

What do I do to cope? I live alone so I must fight this battle! I scream, call out the Lords name and roll up newspaper simultaneously. I then crush the evil thing. This is not an always an effective response but it is the best I can do.

Number Two:

Death, it is the finality of it all. I do not mind growing old. I think growing old is a really cool aspect of life. I find that the older I get the more I like myself, am more accepting of others and can enjoy that I am so beyond the drama of the young. I want to be one of those cool old ladies who reads, is politically active, dresses in bright colors, vacations in all kinds of odd places and still has an active sex life. Yes, I will still drink medicinal vodka based beverages too.

How does one cope with death? You don’t. It is like fighting time and gravity. You cannot win. I know this every time I look in the mirror at my breasts. Ah, to have the breasts of a 20 year old again… Surgery maybe? Naw, this is the way it is too bad so sad. Coping is taking care of yourself, having a personal trainer, working out, eating right, taking vitamins, health screenings, and doing things you enjoy. Alas, I will die but I will not go out without a fight!

Number Three:

Not being able to wear heels. I have this shoe issue. It is kind of like a hobby, a collection; I admit it is an all consuming obsession! I prefer high heels but I like louis heels, kitten heels, spooled heels and so on… I like pointy toes the best. I do not wear shoes that are uncomfortable but I like them to be fashionable. I mean what is life without Nordstroms, DSW and even Payless? Who could look at a Manolo Blahnik shoe and not think he has been touched by the divine to design shoes of such beauty! As you see this may not be considered rational by some. I find that the non-shoe connoisseur owns only sensible shoes that lack any kind of panache! Did I mention that they only own maybe 10 pair? I will never admit to how many I own… I hate the look of shock and distain.

How do I deal with this fear refer to item number two.

Number 4

This is the thing I fear most. I fear loosing my mind and memories to Alzheimer’s or senility. I watch my grandmother leave me little by little the last year of her life. I cannot imagine not knowing. The loss of time, people, ideas, reading, watching or listening. I never want to be a shell without any substance. That scares the hell out of me. What if it happens? Will I know or care? Will I be a burden to society? Will I sit in a corner until my uneventful demise? Will I be the person in a care home who no one ever comes to visit? That thought leaves me with cold chills.

How do I deal with this fear refer to item number two. What else is their? Prayer lots and lots and lots and lots of it.

What makes fear such a force for me, the inability of being able to do one damn thing about it! Spiders will jump. Knees give out. I will one day die. What will I do with my fears? Accept them, love them and put them to the side. Fear stops you from living, loving, smiling and enjoying the smell of a spring day. Touch, taste, scent… bad jokes, good friends, lovers, music…. Fear stops all but with a little rational observation and therapy fear can be a catalyst for all that can be and life is an amazing daily if not moment to moment journey!

Payless is BOGO again… life is good…..

Alley Cats, the bathroom vanity and unconditional love

I am a Cat Lady. I am not a “Mean Old Cat Lady” I would like to correct that statement. It is a title/description I used often but have found that it is no longer true. I also do not use the word “spinster”. I was corrected that I am not cold or detached. Taking this into account I am an amusing, congenial and feminine. Now back to the cats…

I am the proud and impoverished owner of three well cared for rescue felines. In the days before political correctness I would call them “Alley Cats”. Why three? It started with the loss of my cat that I had put down after 20 years. I had the agonizing task of ending her suffering from cancer. I still have not forgiven myself for this action but there was nothing that could be done to end her suffering… there was not any quality of life… I cried for 24 hours without stop. I swore to never have another cat or pet I am not strong enough to tolerate such emotions… Three days later I am looking for a cat.

There is a lovely site on line http://www.petfinder.com/! You can search by area, breed, age and special needs. Jack Pot! I knew that I wanted two cats to keep each other company. I do travel and I felt guilt leaving my poor cat alone. I find two lovely females and ask to meet them at the rescue. They are all that I could have hoped for. Calm, friendly and loving. Yeah! I will take them. I ready myself to write a check but before I can put pen to paper I am asked “would you want to look at one more cat?” No, I am good with two. “We have had a very hard time placing him” I really do not need three cats. “Just take a look at him” Okay… I relent.

In walks this gray cat with the softest fur and biggest eyes I have ever seen. He is friendlier than the other two and is in my lap and purring first thing. This is when I noticed that I have SUCKER tattooed on my forehead. I am then told buy two get one free… Off we go the new cat family of three. I will refer to the gray cat as Grayboy.

Grayboy is not the brightest of cats. He was found in a box as a kitten. He was very ill and had massive infections in his ears, eyes and nose. After much treatment he recovered but there were some lingering issues. First he is slow… I mean really slow… If cats could use sharp instruments his would be plastic with a safety tip. Physically he cannot hold his head strait. It is at a 45 degree tilt and he walks sideways. He is also prone to colds and nasal issues. Did you know that cats can be prescribed nasal decongestants?
You can also hear him busily doing kitty sniffing investigation from across the house.

Why did cats come to mind today? I have found Grayboy trapped in the bathroom vanity more than once. This cat who is confused by almost everything has managed to learn to open the bath vanity drawers. Once a drawer has been opened he crawls into the drawer and moves his way into the back of the cabinet. Once there he becomes trapped because he hasn’t a reverse strategy. In addition he has not comprehended that you can push the cabinet door open.

I hear in the distance a faint mewing. I start my search for the sound… only to find a cat in the bathroom vanity. This cat has the nerve to look at me with the tone of “what took you so long, isn’t this just the best place and would you pet me please?” The other two cats just look at Grayboy in stunned wonder. I can see their little cat minds thinking “you are so stupid”

Alas, what is a Cat Lady to do?

I buy 18lbs of dry cat food “dry, crunchy, crap” every three weeks.
I purchase Nine Lives assorted food packs (wet, stinky, cat food) every three weeks (this averages to 16 cans a month)
Add in 15 pounds of scoopable cat litter weekly. (litter freshener and pan liners too)
Health Care (Grayboy needs his med’s)
Micro chips (incase someone may get lost)
Keeping their side of the bed on high (electric mattress pad).Assorted toys and a cat nip supply.
Vacuum Cleaner Filters
Fur removers

Add all this up and you get to impoverished in a hurry. Now to all of this a single woman without children is about to buy “Safety 1st Cabinet and Drawer Latches” Heavy Sigh…

Why do I do all this? Because of never ending cuteness. Unconditional love. The joy of hot cat breathe waking you in the morning so that “dry, crunchy, crap” can be dispensed. The sounds of a purr lulling you to sleep… and finally those three little furry faces happily waiting for you at the door when you come home from a really long and wretched day at work. I will admit it is even better than a vodka based beverage!

Gershwin, black and white dramas and The memory of his kiss

Not for me.

Old man sunshine, listen you
Never tell me dreams come true
Just try it, and I'll start a riot

Beatrice Fairfax don't you dare
Ever tell me he will care
I'm certain, it's the final curtain

I never want to hear from any cheerful Pollyannas
Who tells you fate supplies a mate
It's all bananas

They're writing songs of love - but not for me
A lucky star's above - but not for me
With love to lead the way I've found more skies of gray
Than any Russian play - could guarantee

I was a fool to fall - and get that way
Hi ho alas and also lackaday
Although I can't dismiss
The memory of his kiss
I guess he's not for me

Although I can't dismiss
The memory of his kiss
I guess he's not for me

George and Ira Gershwin

I know that for some this may seem like a sentimental ballad that no one really cares about anymore. I am at this moment listing to Judy Garland singing this particular song. It brings on a melancholy that I cannot explain. I have always loved vocalist. I have always bathed in the mellowness of arrangements and recordings of the past.

Yes, I listen to popular music too. I like Soulja Boy and yes I can do the dance. Still the ardor of a well orchestrated ballad leaves me speechless (something that happens rarely). As a child I would watch musicals and old black and white dramas of love and loss. Lets face it Camille had the best case of tuberculoses than anyone. It is amazing that just before you die you can look magnificent and have some dandy hold you in his arms and profess true and undying love. I can’t even have a cold without looking like “Damn It, I’ll Bite You”. I will admit it has skewed my ideals of romance, love and sex…. Hmmmm Boots…

Okay George wrote wonderful music. Almost impossible phrasing... Bouncing in the break of your voice… Drench with intensity and longing... BUT Ira would add lyrics to break your heart.

With love to lead the way
I've found more clouds of grey
than any Russain play could guarantee.

All too clever, more clouds of gray then any Russain play… If you listen to it the lyrics they add to the longing of this song. Longing is something that is not prevalent in today’s ballad. Some of you may remember longing. Then again you may not. I think that it is something of a bygone age. For those of you who are not aware of this particular emotion I would highly recommend it.

Nnot familiar with the Russians plays? Russinas are not a happy group of happy play writers.

A few basics about the Russian plays.

No one is well adjusted
Someone is in love with someone they should not be
Someone has some disease that causes untold suffering
Poverty always lots of poverty
A family on the verge of collapse and loosing family standing

If you feel the need for a real downer try Chekhov. Must be the weather in Russia but they do have plenty of vodka. No one is ever happy. Even the symphonies are dark. The ballets are not any better. Maybe Zoloft in the water supply would help?

Judy sang this song in one of the “Mickey and Judy Movies”. She is a western girl in love with city boy Mickey and not able to get the time of day from him. I know that there are women reading this who have been there, done that and have several t-shirts. After running out of the dance (Hollywood you got to love it) she stops and begins to cry. Her eyes are not red. No dripping nose. Just clear eyes, stunning skin, sparkling eyes, perfect hair, superior lighting and a great song. Damn, if only real life was like that.

I guess the melancholy comes from the lack of reality of this standard. We as humans are very receptive to images placed before us. It is not any different then any other time in our history (Romans and Gladiators, Commedia dell'arte, Shakespeare, melodrama…). This song and period offer the idealized look of relationships, beauty and love. None of it was ever real. No one will ever look perfect. There are still things that hold true. The melody is exquisite. The lyrics are clever and ardent. The song will be performed for many years to come.

For me what will I do? I see comfy sweats, warm socks, popcorn, a beverage and Judy singing her heart out in a movie of by gone days….


Although I can't dismiss, The memory of his kiss, I guess he's not for me… Ah, so true!

Darwin, evolution, and Kimberly Clark Products

I have come to the conclusion that evolution is not all that it is cracked up to be. I do think that Darwin had it figured out but that does not make the system sound or fool proof. Why have I come to this conclusion? Why would this be an item that would even weight on my mind?

It started with my sister. My sister is known for her remarkable but erratic brilliance. She was lamenting on the issue of reproduction and the female body’s need to ache, swell, retain water, and just leave her in an unmistakably horrid mood. I know that any man reading this is familiar with the “mood.” My advice... drop the Doritos and back away very, very slowly… she may charge.

Back to Darwin… is this the best form of reproduction that evolution can come up with? Simply women have one good week a month. You are pre, post or during the rest of the month. Does this limit our ability to work, create or be productive citizens of the world? NO! We are still viable and function well but give me a break.

First let us converse about Kimberly Clark Products. Female items that require purchase monthly. Mind you it is not a one size fits all kind of thing. Light, regular or heavy? Wings? Plastic or cardboard? Tylenol, Aleve, Midol… Morphine… Vicodin… This investment could easily run into $15 monthly. That does not seem too bad until you figure out a life time of use. $15 x 12months= $180. $180 x 35 years = $6,300. Now lets multiply the U.S. female population of 143 million x $180 =25,740,000,000.

YIKES! Now you understand why feminine product advertisements are every where and never ending. We are talking big business to feel fresh and clean.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. We have not touched on sexual intercourse and pregnancy. I surmised that women have one good week a month. I guess that is the window of opportunity for sexual contact. Ah, clarification of the head ache issue for some.

Then add pregnancy to the evolution scale… morning sickness, swollen ankles, being poke and prodded every other week and the need to urinate every tick of the clock and you have a glowing woman on the edge… drop the (insert food of choice) and back away very, very slowly… she may charge.

And we are called the weaker sex… Right you keep thinking that and remember to back away very slowly…..

DO NOT SPILL the BLOOD of CHRIST! You have only one line do not break character

Wow I feel like I have not written in months… This could be because it has been all too long. Christmas is over. New Years is over. I have eaten and drank to my hearts content. Egg Nog, wine, stratas, punch, sugar cookies and so on. The only good new is that I managed to loose 10 pounds since Thanksgiving. How I did it I do not know. I give God all the benefit of this very real miracle.

Now that I have moved into the New Year this is a time of all seriousness. It is time to look at and use the tread mill, go to Zumba class and use the all too evil elliptical glider again. Last year I made a vow to loose weight. Amazingly I did! Now I am on to round two. If I can do as well again I will dance the cha-cha of joy on a table somewhere (hopeful outside the USA).

This will be the same dance once the primaries are over. I am really fed up with the primaries and we only have Iowa under our national belts. Sadly, there is not a candidate that is ringing any bells for me. Although I laugh ever time I think President Huckabee… Huckleberry Hound keeps coming to mind. I digress yet again.

I also have my resolution made. I am now a Liturgist at church. This all seemed very simple but it is not. I can read not an issue and I am relatively familiar with the bible. Top 10 sins, women of the bible, the books of Moses and so on. What threw me for a loop… Communion.

I have taken communion on many occasions in my life but to actually assist in that act is a mind blowing concept. I know that the sacrament is to represent the blood and body of Christ but if you really think about it and believe it. This is a stupendously amazing thing. There I stand holding the blood of Christ. I am trying not to spill from the cup. Now you would think that I would be thinking many things but all I can think is DO NOT SPILL the BLOOD of CHRIST! This was a great deal pressure to add to a rookie performance.

Okay, okay… how many people are here? Why is the line so long? Why won’t my best friend look me in the eye while she is taking communion? Wow, he should have polished his shoes. Remarkably great hair can I touch it? No, no, no the blood of Christ shed for you. You have only one line do not break character; It is an easy on and off… At last it is over and I sit quietly with the pastor thinking… No lighting bolts. I did not break out in boils, rashes, blindness, leprosy or lameness. Heavy sigh of relief!

This I find to be comforting due to the occurrence of the above in the bible. So maybe for a brief moment I was truly pleasing to God. I knew that fact in my heart and mind. This did lead me to one realization I am not a pastor in the making.

I am however still a fundamental, cat owning, vodka drinking, wine enthusiast, activist looking for a place were I am not the odd one. No wonder I cannot locate dinner, a movie and a man to accompany me… Who needs therapy I have a blog.