Monday! It is raining, it is dull and on occasion a wee bit of sun light appears. I am sitting at my desk avoiding the work that I should be happily doing. My mind wonders to the comfort of my warm bed and loving pets. Three cats can make sleep look like a glorious option to any activity you may have planned or have in mind.
Instead I showered dressed and came to work. The weekend was far too short. I did learn one thing on my bliss filled Sunday. All things are possible. Before you think that I went to church and had a God moment, I did not. I had a Lions football moment.
For those of you who are not Lions fans let me explain. The Lions have won two regular season games! Now, for most teams that would be a “so what” kind of moment but for the Lions not so much. The Lions have had success in the past. The long ago past. The very, very long ago past.
There have been Lion conference championships in 1935, 1952, 1953 and 1957. NFL Champions in 1935, 1952, 1953 and 1957. It seems that if the Lions can win their conference nothing stops them from getting to the big party. It has only been 54 years since the Lions hit it big. If the Lions can win who says that other impossibilities cannot abound.
I am not talking about a balanced budget. No not the Democrats and the GOP working together. No not an end of unrest in the Middle East. These are earth shattering impossibilities. I am thinking of the simple impossibilities.
The impossibility of healing, I am now healing. This is what I considered to be an impossibility. Who knew healing could be such a pain in “whatever you care to name.” I being a survivor always thought healing was a soothing measure taken on by the body and mind to sustain life and its infinite joy. Alas, I was wrong. Healing is the step after having almost every minuscule cell of life energy ripped from your body. Yes, ripped no one gives it freely.
First, let me start with this whole forgiveness thing. I know in my body, mind and spirit that this is necessary to well being. I know that hate, anger and revenge causes the mind to become cold, uncaring and incapable of seeing what is good before it. Oddly, while one feels a sort of delight in revenge and hatred it is fleeting and frankly empty. It also takes a great deal of energy. Something that I have very little of and am not willing to waste on something so vapid. Maybe I should send the above to Congress? Hell, they have great insurance let them find their own therapist!!
My therapist tells me that I am the walking dead. Anesthetized! Frozen? Comatose! Having given up on the revenge thing I had not felt anything worth mentioning. Call me the Emotional Zombie! Wait. I am looking at three years of dismal, ominous and gloomy overcast but the Lions they have had this for 54 years.
For 54 years the team has practiced suited up and played every last game. The fans still came, beer was drunk and televisions played each lackluster, pitiful and hopeless season. I and the Lion franchise share a great deal. Now is this the year of a 500 season, play-offs maybe even the big party?
The Lions are lucky to know what success is. I am not so lucky. As an individual working her way through the new millennia I do not have bench marks that work. I had bench marks once. Education, job, savings, home and retirement are all things I was programmed to want and measured my successes. These measures seem to have bottomed out. I cannot reach any level that is acceptable to achieve these bench marks.
What is odd about these bench marks is that I was not happy with me (BCarol) when I had them. I was cranky, miserable and frankly exhausted. There was little joy in the bench marks. All I worried about was how the hell do I keep everything I have. This is no longer an issue I lost it all. All of it gone with the wind. Miss Scarlett and I have more in common then I dare thought.
Now the question becomes do I turn my loss into several failed marriages? Become a business manager that would make Ebenezer blush and ignore the one man who loved me for who I am? Scarlett did and was left alone with a stunning wardrobe and a lavish home. While lovely a home and a wardrobe is something that must be held on too. Again, Scarlett has nothing.
I am not Scarlett so what will I have? What do I want? How hard am I willing to work to gain it? I have learned that money is a means to an end. I can say that because it is just me. This is fortunate…a husband and children would change my view radically.
What is next? Peace of mind? Maybe a 500 season or the Super Bowl? Lord, I wish I knew.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Dancing, Whiskey and Shakespeare
I am back from the dark depths of my life…. My therapist suggested that I keep a journal. Okay, back to the blog! Why? Let us see.
1. Four major family illness three of which were near death experiences – this included multiple hospital stays – many late nights and many, many, many drives to medical facilities across the Midwest.
2. The loss of not one but two jobs! This left me unemployed for a total of two and ½ years. No, I did not consider it a paid vacation. No, I did not enjoy it. Yes, I thank God for every extension of unemployment! Less government my ass!!! I have paid taxes and worked hard for years. I lived within my means and saved money. Did anyone offer me a bail out? No! The banks received a bailout and still foreclosed on my property. Talk about a win/win for them!
3. The foreclosure and loss of my home – This included the dance of (we can help you - no we can’t) with my financial institution. Then there was the game of how long can we keep you on hold government programs. Needless to say I won the on hold game but lost at the getting useful answers part.
4. Then there was the cracked head gasket on my car for $1,200
5. I went to court charged by Capital One because I could not pay my bill. Did I mention that I had contacted them asking for help but was told too bad? The court ordered me to pay monthly “something” I could afford. Would it not have been easier just to work with me?
6. Now I have not a nickel to my name or retirement, bad credit and a new job.
The therapist feels that I have been functioning in an emotional state of numbness. Wow, really? As if I had a choice? We, you, I do what we, you, I must. There was no time to sit and think “mom is sick I think I will tend to my emotional wounds”… I had to suck it up and be there. This holds true for my dad, aunt and cousin.
You do not have a job, you spend hours looking and networking. You cannot stop looking for work no matter your emotional state.
You loose your home you move. You keep walking. Luckily for me I made it through the darkness. I am one of the fortunate, lucky, no blessed. I have a job! I can pay my bills (mostly) and I have somewhere to live. Most in the Midwest cannot say the same. I am not sure what prayer worked or what God thought but I am grateful and thankful.
Now I find myself not able to express anger, joy, happiness or sadness. I did not think it was all bad but what I found was that just because I do not express it does not mean that I am not feeling it.
There is a peace in the ability not to feel. It has the effect of a well aged whiskey. It warms and requires little thought. Each swallow offers a satisfaction of completeness. However after too many swallows you can become ill, sluggish and melancholy. What I have found is that the waters of my soul are “muddy and bereft of beauty” (that was a little Shakespeare). No matter how calm I present myself to be I am a raging torrent of emotion.
The question is will I survive the storm or will I drown? It is up to me and only me. This is a life saving that can only be done through my own strength and determination. Gee, aren’t I just so damn lucky!
1. Four major family illness three of which were near death experiences – this included multiple hospital stays – many late nights and many, many, many drives to medical facilities across the Midwest.
2. The loss of not one but two jobs! This left me unemployed for a total of two and ½ years. No, I did not consider it a paid vacation. No, I did not enjoy it. Yes, I thank God for every extension of unemployment! Less government my ass!!! I have paid taxes and worked hard for years. I lived within my means and saved money. Did anyone offer me a bail out? No! The banks received a bailout and still foreclosed on my property. Talk about a win/win for them!
3. The foreclosure and loss of my home – This included the dance of (we can help you - no we can’t) with my financial institution. Then there was the game of how long can we keep you on hold government programs. Needless to say I won the on hold game but lost at the getting useful answers part.
4. Then there was the cracked head gasket on my car for $1,200
5. I went to court charged by Capital One because I could not pay my bill. Did I mention that I had contacted them asking for help but was told too bad? The court ordered me to pay monthly “something” I could afford. Would it not have been easier just to work with me?
6. Now I have not a nickel to my name or retirement, bad credit and a new job.
The therapist feels that I have been functioning in an emotional state of numbness. Wow, really? As if I had a choice? We, you, I do what we, you, I must. There was no time to sit and think “mom is sick I think I will tend to my emotional wounds”… I had to suck it up and be there. This holds true for my dad, aunt and cousin.
You do not have a job, you spend hours looking and networking. You cannot stop looking for work no matter your emotional state.
You loose your home you move. You keep walking. Luckily for me I made it through the darkness. I am one of the fortunate, lucky, no blessed. I have a job! I can pay my bills (mostly) and I have somewhere to live. Most in the Midwest cannot say the same. I am not sure what prayer worked or what God thought but I am grateful and thankful.
Now I find myself not able to express anger, joy, happiness or sadness. I did not think it was all bad but what I found was that just because I do not express it does not mean that I am not feeling it.
There is a peace in the ability not to feel. It has the effect of a well aged whiskey. It warms and requires little thought. Each swallow offers a satisfaction of completeness. However after too many swallows you can become ill, sluggish and melancholy. What I have found is that the waters of my soul are “muddy and bereft of beauty” (that was a little Shakespeare). No matter how calm I present myself to be I am a raging torrent of emotion.
The question is will I survive the storm or will I drown? It is up to me and only me. This is a life saving that can only be done through my own strength and determination. Gee, aren’t I just so damn lucky!
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