Dancing, Whiskey and Shakespeare

I am back from the dark depths of my life…. My therapist suggested that I keep a journal. Okay, back to the blog! Why? Let us see.

1. Four major family illness three of which were near death experiences – this included multiple hospital stays – many late nights and many, many, many drives to medical facilities across the Midwest.

2. The loss of not one but two jobs! This left me unemployed for a total of two and ½ years. No, I did not consider it a paid vacation. No, I did not enjoy it. Yes, I thank God for every extension of unemployment! Less government my ass!!! I have paid taxes and worked hard for years. I lived within my means and saved money. Did anyone offer me a bail out? No! The banks received a bailout and still foreclosed on my property. Talk about a win/win for them!

3. The foreclosure and loss of my home – This included the dance of (we can help you - no we can’t) with my financial institution. Then there was the game of how long can we keep you on hold government programs. Needless to say I won the on hold game but lost at the getting useful answers part.

4. Then there was the cracked head gasket on my car for $1,200

5. I went to court charged by Capital One because I could not pay my bill. Did I mention that I had contacted them asking for help but was told too bad? The court ordered me to pay monthly “something” I could afford. Would it not have been easier just to work with me?

6. Now I have not a nickel to my name or retirement, bad credit and a new job.

The therapist feels that I have been functioning in an emotional state of numbness. Wow, really? As if I had a choice? We, you, I do what we, you, I must. There was no time to sit and think “mom is sick I think I will tend to my emotional wounds”… I had to suck it up and be there. This holds true for my dad, aunt and cousin.

You do not have a job, you spend hours looking and networking. You cannot stop looking for work no matter your emotional state.

You loose your home you move. You keep walking. Luckily for me I made it through the darkness. I am one of the fortunate, lucky, no blessed. I have a job! I can pay my bills (mostly) and I have somewhere to live. Most in the Midwest cannot say the same. I am not sure what prayer worked or what God thought but I am grateful and thankful.

Now I find myself not able to express anger, joy, happiness or sadness. I did not think it was all bad but what I found was that just because I do not express it does not mean that I am not feeling it.

There is a peace in the ability not to feel. It has the effect of a well aged whiskey. It warms and requires little thought. Each swallow offers a satisfaction of completeness. However after too many swallows you can become ill, sluggish and melancholy. What I have found is that the waters of my soul are “muddy and bereft of beauty” (that was a little Shakespeare). No matter how calm I present myself to be I am a raging torrent of emotion.

The question is will I survive the storm or will I drown? It is up to me and only me. This is a life saving that can only be done through my own strength and determination. Gee, aren’t I just so damn lucky!