Christmas time again. It is an odd kind of Christmas to me. My therapist and I have gone round and around about decorations. The therapist (I will refer to him/her as The T) felt that I should pursue the decking of the halls. I was unsure; make that no way in hell! I have lost a great deal the last few years and to top all of it off one of cats become ill and died.
Take my home, loose my job but my cat? I miss her every day when I walk into my residence not to see her big round eyes and quiver tail. I know that too many, almost all of you she was just an animal or pet but to me she was unconditional love and understanding. No matter my living circumstance or income my kitty was the same. The same purrs. The same snuggles. The same coughing up of hairballs.
My other two cats have ran around the house crying in each room looking for her. How do you explain death to an animal? You can’t and that brings more tears for one who has left you.
I know that she is in heaven. Do not give me the argument about souls and animals. Heaven would not be heaven without the animals that I have had heal and love me. She is there and I am sure that for her there are many loving hands to pet and scratch her and that only the best treats are given seafood of course.
Then out of nowhere a good friend calls me and she was let go yesterday. I thought she was safe and had made it through the worst of it. Sadly, I was yet again wrong. I find that it takes the shine off of my holiday and leaves her in a vacuous of despair. Happy Holidays! She will awake New Year’s Day almost 60 in Detroit without a job. Where will she start and what will she do? She is still here and she will move on but the strength of faith, person and character will be tested in ways that I do not wish on anyone. What can one do when words fail and hugs are not enough? I pray and hope. I still hope. Only to ask why…
Now, back to the tree and the decking of the halls. I have another friend who is suffering through her own Christmas issues. I call her the recovering Catholic. She is on her spiritual quest. I think she may end with Buddhism? That is why it is a quest she may end up living on a mountain eating weeds and scattering wisdom. Then again may be not she does have a husband and I can’t see him eating weeds in a cave. Maybe if there was a large enough tv with a remote… no not so much.
Christmas to her is pain and suffering. Presents and demands. She also has had illness associate with the holiday. You would think that all this would push me to screw the holidays and eat pizza rolls and watch action movies. Oddly, it has had the opposite effect on me.
I will admit I miss the presents and snow men. It is the memories that haunt me. This haunting has positives and a barge full of negatives. I embrace the memories of it. I have made some choices. I am going to conveniently forget the barge of negativity. Yeah! With age comes easily accessible “forget it ness.” As my friend shared her feelings about Christmas I found myself sharing what it is that I like, enjoy and love about the holiday.
I like the music. It brings me comfort. The Vince Guaraldi Trio brings me a glow. Vince played the music for the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. Each note brings me into the safety and peace of childhood. There was life before peer pressure, mortgage payments and long work days. Guaraldi give me that again my shoulders relax and I can smell pine and citrus. I see snow as a miracle and do not dread it but look forward to snow men and hot chocolate. I think of snow angles and my gloves drying on the radiator. I think of church service and pretty dresses.
I know that this is a time of year that I should take comfort in Christ’s birth but in all honesty it has little to do with him. This is a day chosen by the church to undermine Pagan winter solstice celebrations, Saturnalia and Sol Invictus. We will promote Christianity with a festival designed to carry the correct message to all the worlds’ heathen. One of the first major marketing campaigns that went out of control... That is why Target has the crazy ad with the blonde waiting for black Friday. Will she just shut the hell up!?!?!?!
Slowing down…. Yes, Christ does enter into my Christmas but in a BCarol kind of way. Let me start with Christmas lights. There is something about the glow of lights on the tree and greenery. No other light just the sparkle of the bulbs. It is soft, warm and welcoming. There is not a harsh edge. There is no anger or antagonistic intent.
The scents. Yes, the freshness of pine. The sweetness of cinnamon. The aroma of baking cookies. All warm, giving and natural smells. I also take pleasure in the rich sweet scent of mulling cider.
The sounds music. This is a biggie! The music the soaring notes in traditional carols. I listen to the weight and rhyme of the words. The middle ages come to life through the cantor. Listen to the “Wexford Carol”,” I Saw Three Ships” or “In the Bleak of Midwinter.” They are lovely and timeless. Then I can listen to gospel “The last Month of the Year” and then add some Ray Charles to it, a dash of Sinatra and a splash of Celtic Women and I reach an audible euphoria.
Now where is the Christ in this? I look at it this way. When I sit in a room looking at the beauty of the lights, listen to music, enjoy the warmth of my abode and am enjoy the flavors of the season all is good between God and I.
I sit wrapped in a throw and allow myself the gift of not forcing thought or forcing answers. I look with in and listen to what is being said. “Peace be still.” When was the last time I was still in a way that was pleasant, enjoyable or even kind? Not recently. Maybe just maybe God gave me this time to choose whether to be stressed out and strung out. Maybe this is a test as to did you learn anything or are you just going to suffer through another season?
Christmas comes in my heart in my way and I am good with that. To all who are broken, hurt or in need I offer you the blessings of this holiday. Nothing in a gift box but that you see peace of body, mind and soul. That you may see the positive and bring forth the joy that is within you and not fall into the prepackage propaganda of the season.
Okay T, I will put up the tree……
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