Happy New Year! I have decided that this will be the year of BCarol. After the last several years the years have not been mine. They have been years of survival, intestinal fortitude and out and out madness. I feel that I can say this outwardly and not take it as a personal assault on all things BCarol.
However less than 14 hours into the new year of BCarol I found myself in a sea of doubt and reinstating survival mechanisms that are quick, assured but all too bad for the new and improved me. 14 hours? I was asleep for 8 of them. This God, karma, higher power thing is always ready to test and challenge.
Okay so test on. The question is will I pass? Will I score in the top percentile? Will I look for a medicinal beverage and stand still. Hmmmm, now that is the question. I have found that I will not drink nor will I stand still. I got it going on!!!
First, I am not crazy and I do not make things up. I know what I heard and I am bright enough to comprehend. I have come to realize that I am not the easiest person to approach and that I can be rather forceful. Okay, many cannot face up to that and I understand. I am scary. However if you are going to claim to be an adult and want to hold the title talk to me strait. Let me lick my wounds and move on. It is an adult thing.
I can and do only control me. Wooo-Hoooo! Now what to do with this? Walk away and look like a poor looser? Carry a chip on my shoulder? Hahahaha… Hope to be given a small crust of praise… Not so much. I will do what I do, be as apt as possible and continue on to the bigger prize. Which for me is my education and moving on to a more loving me. Yes, that includes love of others and that of myself. I have found that I can forgive and lift others but me not so much... Why? I am working on that and it is something that another 25 years of therapy may answer. Maybe?
One item that has pushed me is a family that I have come to know well. The matriarch of this family has been diagnosed with cancer. Not just cancer but stage 4 inoperable lung cancer. It is as if gravity has strengthened 10 fold and not only my body but also my spirit is cemented to the floor. I cry thinking of it and I cry for this family as a whole. What will the future hold and what angst, drama and loss will each day bring? Then I think what joy, laughter and love will each day bring?
For me there is nothing I can do to ease any of it and there is not a word to help. I pray, I hope and I pray again for this family. If I or you died today could we die in peace? I do not know. I do know for myself this is a time of reflection and the joy of it. Will tears be shed for me? Will I think of the joy of life or the what if’s?
Momma T has given me something that she will never know. Children who have showed me what family can be. What a child’s love looks like and what courage is. A Damn fine life! This is only what I know of the pages of her book. It is full of words and chapters and I have read only a few brief paragraphs. Life comes into focus when you look beyond your self-absorbed myopic viewpoint. Lessons abound if we stop and listen.
New Years day one! Life changing. Hmmmm, the year of BCarol is good. Things to do. People to write. Life to taste. Going forward and protecting the resources that are me… Yes, me. What is mine? A crap load. What is valuable? Me and my potential of course!
The goals for 2012?
1 Drink more water
2 sleep eight hours a night (no more no less)
3 find a new job
4 get the hell off of facebook
5 choose the people I associate with exceedingly carefully
6 meditate daily
7 get my ass to the gym
8 stick to a regular schedule
9 lunch away from my desk
10 grad school!
Not bad I even have all the Christmas stuff put away. Okay day two I am ready…
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