A song that sings to me!

Walk Away Kelly Clarkstone
To all the women who are waiting and hoping, or sick or waiting or hoping, or are just tooooo fed up to care!

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say (say)
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away
I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today
Hey
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away
I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk (walk) away
(Just walk away)
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away

Acid Trips, Prairie Dogs and foul smelling personal hygiene products

It has been some time since I have blogged. More crap has happened than the norm. We have all been there just when you think that you have reached a point of return you stick your head out of your hole like a prairie dog and then you are hit by a SUV. The SUV did not miss this little doggie. Only I for some unknown reason keep getting up and shaking it off. Dear Lord I have become Wile E. Coyote Super Genius. I am a living cartoon. If only I was as thin as Wile E.

I have moved into the land of children. I have been caring for a five year old who‘s mother is critically ill. This child is bright, verbal and beautiful. She also likes cats and they like her although they have taken to hiding under the bed. The child is not deterred by this she just crawls under the bed and drags them out. So far no biting or scratching on either’s part.

I have learned so much about being a mommy. First to all you moms are the unsung heroes of the world. How on earth do you get dressed for work and then dress a child? How do you manage to feed them? Then add cuddling, reading books, drying tears and unconditional love? YIKES!

Also this Sponge Bob Square Pants thing… I mean are the people who write this stuff stoned? There is a pet snail Gary that meows like a cat? Sponge Bob and Gary talk to each other by the way. Sandy Cheeks a squirrel from Texas who lives in a dome and walks around in a wet suit because she needs to breathe air. Did I mention that Sponge Bob has the hots for her? I think he has the hots how can you tell with a sponge that wears tighty whities? Sponge Bob has a job! He is a fry cook. How the hell can you be a fry cook under water? What is a Krabby Patty? In Bikini Bottom no one drive cars, did you know you can parallel park a boat?

I think okay I am good with this I will allow the child to enjoy this left over acid trip from the 60’s. Yet, I was to learn so much more. This Hannah Montana thing... She is a famous singer but no one knows her secret identity. Sure they don’t. What makes Hannah amazing is merchandising. I have been exposed to sugary foul smelling personal hygiene products. Shampoo, lip gloss, body wash, hand soap and a tooth brush. Now add to that apparel and you can spend thousands. If you are interested there is also a Hannah Montana wig for purchase for your lovely little girl. I have learned the word “No” and can resist whining. A mom gift that is given and thank God for it!

A few other things to know about the dining habits of the five year old:
Blue Box Macaroni
Pepperoni Pizza
Grape Juice
Pudding in little cups
Hot dog
Tater Tots
Apples if appropriately peeled and cut
Grapes
Blueberries
Ice-cream with sprinkles is a winner too


I then had to deal with the reality of all of this. The child’s mother is very ill and may not survive. It has brought home that the reality of life. My gram told me tomorrow is not promised. That tomorrow has a far reaching effect. Through a five year old’s eyes I have learned so much about life.

The dark is really scary to a child. For adults we are also frightened of the dark. I think of the dark as the unknown. Crying is necessary if you are sad, hurt or mad. We all need to cry more. A kiss can really make it all better. Cuddling is sometimes the best form of communication (you do not need to talk while you cuddle). Running and climbing is good for you. Early bed times are helpful to everyone (try it go to bed at 8:30 PM). Telling your mom you love her will make her feel better.

The wisdom of a child’s mind is without question. I am world-weary. I can reflect on things that I have not looked at in so long (I haven’t been five in a few decades). If I try really hard I can embrace what life has given me.

First let me thank the friends who remind me that there is nothing that I cannot do when I choose too. Yes, you are right (you can put that on your calendar). Okay, perhaps I am a good writer and I am very expressive. Yes, I am a beautiful woman (I am making a face as I type this but I am working on it). I do under estimate myself often but I am getting better. Yes, I know that if a man doesn’t realize how special I am kick him to the curb and move on (no matter how cute, perplexing or how good the sex is)! When you wipe away years of cynical viewpoint things look so much better.

I would recommend, cuddling, blue box mac and a little Sponge Bob. Make sure to find a child to help you. Trust me they will tell you when you are being sad, mean or a poopy head.

Pap Smears, The American Musical and Gummy Bears these are a few of my favorite things....

• A little bit more about myself. I find that many people look at me in stunned wonder. Admittedly these persons have little knowledge of the world as a whole but that would require reading, keeping up on current events and understanding the political system that makes the U.S.A so amazingly great.
  
  This all started with my love of South Park. Yes, I adore South Park. It is a show that is always in very bad taste and rude beyond belief BUT the irony is not lost on me. AIDS, race, age, religion, celebrity they really do not care but the show is honest in its ideas and response to any difficult issue. No one is safe from the four foul mouth children of this oddly animated show! I love it.
  
  Now you would think why would people look at BCarol in stunned wonder? Easy I also adore classical music, Nordstroms, Scooby Doo, opera, jazz, tiaras, good wine, Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, expensive handbags, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Big Lots, The Marx Brothers, Warner Brothers Cartoons, world history, politics and self absorbed trips to the salon.
  
  It occurred to me that I may be slightly off! I am the only person I know who would carry a vintage Louis Vuitton and push a cart at Big Lots at the same time. I really enjoy Big Lots. My own personal challenge to find things I really need and will use at Big Lots. Could this be a possible replacement for a current reality TV show? Louis is rolling no spinning in his grave.
  
  Now humor is another issue I can laugh at almost anything that is witty. I will openly admit that The Tasmanian Devil is not the height of culture but he is a great nemesis for Bugs Bunny. Taz’s best line “Why for you bury me in the cold, cold ground” is without equal. Daffy Duck after finding the pearl in an oyster “I am socially secure” and “I am a wealthy miser”. Talk about brilliant.
  
  Then add a little Groucho “Go, and never darken my towels again”, “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception” and "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit files like a banana. Simplicity in humor is not easy it is an art and a skill. Mind you the Marx Brothers were physical and immoral but again accomplished. If you have ever tried to be funny on cue you know and understand the skill shown in these movies. A Night at the Opera “everyone knows there is not such thing as a sanity clause”. Ain’t that the truth!
  
  Now add my love of theatre. I am not talking about Oklahoma! and Music Man. I know that many love these productions but honestly I rank them between a pap smear and a root canal. Give me Rent, Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk or Sweeny Todd for a musical. A strait play A Man for all Seasons, A Lion in Winter, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, The Iceman Cometh. I know a little heavy but I like my theatre full of angst and mind numbing pain. I am a director and I love anything that requires deep soul searching by an actor. Most of these will cause good actors teeth to hurt.
  
  Instead of running on and on I thought why not make BCarols’ list of what makes her happy! It may also explain the worlds perception of my rather odd tendencies There is no order to this just the ranting of a precariously balanced mind. Anyone who knows me you are ready for Birthday and Christmas!
  
  Gummy Bears
  Mozart’s Alleluia
  Patrick Stewart
  Diamonds and their History I love priceless jewels and unfortunately only royalty had any
  Shoes expensive or inexpensive (cheap)
  Hot dogs and Beer at the Ball Park
  The Motown Sound
  Patsy Cline
  Henry V The Kenneth Branagh Film
  Danger Mouse
  Children playing
  Courage the Cowardly Dog
  The Rack
  Rain on a summer day
  Drive In Movies
  A Bra that fits and is comfortable
  The History Channel
  Boots
  Silence
  Evening Dress
  Cooking for those I care about
  Sarah Vaughn
  My Garden
  Wine (should always be shared with good friends)
  Playing in the rain
  Lady Day
  Lust
  Courage the Cowardly Dog
  NPR
  Sandal Wood
  Kitties
  Turner Classic Movies
  The Federalist Papers
  O’Keeffe
  Big Lots
  Periwinkle
  Little Debbie Swiss Rolls
  Macaroni Grill
  Words
  Being told I am beautiful and it is honestly said
  The Stars through my telescope
  Electric Mattress Pad
  Jesse L Martin
  The perfect red lipstick
  Singing
  Vodka
  Christmas Lights
  Monet
  Nordstroms
  Laughing with good friends
  Mr. Darcy
  Bodies of water
  Warm sun
  My convertible
  Well worn blue jeans
  Cuddling

Punished, Financial turmoil and God's Grace

I have an especially valued friend. I have known her know for 12+ years. She has been there through illness, death, break-ups, personal disasters and so on… She is grounded in her faith, generous with her time and talents. All in all I think her exceptional. There has been an issue in her life that has caused her anguish. We all find ourselves in financial turmoil but for this friend it has never relented.

I heard for the first time that she felt that she was being punished by God. I was astonished! You? No not you! I look to you for all that is good in a person. You have faith, family and love. How on earth could you think that?

I like my blog for I can be honest without causing harm to those I write about or myself for that matter. I will refer to this friend as BFF easier that way. She met and fell honestly and earnestly in love with her current husband. They have shared 15+ years of a happy marriage. They are devoted. It is what I think of a marriage as being. So why would she be punished by God? BFF was married when she met her husband.

For me this is a raw issue. My mother and father divorced after 40 years of marriage. My father who taught me my values actually is an adulterer who married the “other woman”. I have many grave issues with this. It is not only my father’s choice but the stringent up bringing and expectations he had of me. I placed personal happiness as second, third or even fourth to the expectations of acceptable behavior. I carry feelings that with therapy and prayer I can accept but not completely forgive.

So why do I feel that BFF is different then my father? I am not sure and this has caused me great consternation. Both she and my father share the same transgression. Both have caused pain to their spouses. How can it be different? Is there forgiveness?

After serious thought and meditation I have come to some personal conclusions. While BFF did knowingly move forward into her relationship it did lead to some things that could not have happened without her decisions.

I read the bible on occasion. If made into a movie it would receive an R rating with ease. The bible has a long list of murder, lust, theft, adultery, coveting, betrayal, and vigilantly justice. This is stuff that the best or worst minds in Hollywood could not come up with. Looking into the good book I found King David, Reuben and Lot. Talk about sins… Still David was blessed by God.

I ask why is there or would there be reprisals from God? Is what happened wrong? Yes, without doubt. Is BFF marriage less because of this? No? Is she happy with her husband and is he happy with his wife? Yes. The injured husband involved is he suffering? No, he is remarried and has children and a solid faith/family foundation. I do not know God’s plan but I also know that all happens for reasons that are beyond our limited knowledge and understanding.

What comfort can I offer BFF? She can look to the Grace of God.

Job22:3 Is it any pleasure to the Almighty, that thou art righteous? or is it gain to him, that thou makest thy ways perfect?

BFF has God’s Grace by her own admission and acceptance of her actions and choices. Grace is not limited by good acts, good works or righteous intent. Grace is given by God and our reply is to maintain such a precious gift. My response is that before God and asking for that Grace you will still have triumphant and failure but you will also know that you do not walk alone in your life. Whatever lesson God is teaching you is not about your past but what lies ahead of you.

Faith is never easy or comfortable if it was everyone would have it. As we know many are choosing not to be capable of it. BFF has and will find her faith in hand and looking for relief as we all do.

A little Kirk Franklin, he always lifts my spirits

Looking For You

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