Sometimes, I wonder about life in ways that leave me lost in thoughts that will never be answered. I know that there will always be the poor among us. I know that there will be disasters, greed, and loss of life. These are questions that I can no longer spend my time on. It will drive me to insanity and strife. Do not tell me that a million Chinese are starving but tell me that the family in my neighborhood is hungry I can do something about that.
I am reflecting on the thoughts of interaction on the smallest of human levels. I have watch marriages end, jobs lost and anger to cause division. When I drive about top down, warm sun on my skin and the best tunes playing my mind drifts to places that I would not consider at any other time. This is really disconcerting when you realize all I want is to be immersed in the joy of being.
I think that the empathic side of me will not allow such things. Before you say empathic who is she kidding! I am not. I have a gift/curse that causes people to share their intimate ideas, issues and problems. I have had total strangers tell me of their divorces, sexual issues, abuse and suicidal thoughts. I can be sitting in the library, book shop, doctor’s office, coffee shop or bar… It is something that I consider a gift but it can be damn draining! I have witnesses to this aspect of my life. Friends have asked why did that person just tell you that. I do not know. If I could bottle whatever it is I would so that those among us who feel the need to be social workers would have the upper hand.
I have never been married nor have I lived long term with a man. I am in no way able to comprehend what marriage entails. I do know that when relationships are strong the joy is immeasurable. HOWEVER, when things go wrong it is wretched and loathsome. This goes beyond white picket fences, the every day grind and sex.
My on going question is what happens? Where does the relationship go? Is there some kind of purgatory that swallows the relationship and only leaves the dregs of what once was? Can such joy fade into bitterness and oblivion? Does the joy leave never to return or can it be found, polished and lustrous again? I have watched in distress of late two people in different relationships that are about to come to the same end.
Within this end there is the fear of loneness, the want of vengeance and self failure. Add to that day to day of living. How could anyone actually wake up and look forward to another day? Where do you find the intestinal fortitude to live alone and find calm? I have watched two people looking passive and indifferent. The ease of numbness has become their friend, lover and being.
Numbness is not a life. Numbness does offer brief relief but has the effect of a relentless hangover after a night of intense indulgence. The taste is bitter, the colors dull and the sound deadening. The energy or lack of washes over me and I find myself in a state of anguish. I move to save myself from it all and step away. I know that if I were strong or a better person I would stand with these two but answers I do not have. I have nothing to add to this dilemma. All I can do is watch as the pain continues…
I smile briefly when I think of a song. Music always comes to mind (I have an uncommon ability to remember lyrics but cannot think of the safe combination to save my life).
It's sad to think, we're not gonna make it and it's gotten to the point where we just can’t fake it. For some ungodly reason we just won't let it die. I guess neither one of us wants to be the first to say good bye
I keep on wondering what I'm gonna do with out ya and I guess you must be wondering that same thing too. So we go on, go on together living a lie. Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say good bye
When it comes to saying good bye that's a simple word that I just cannot say
there can be no way, there can be no way this can have a happy ending so we just go on hurting and pretending and convincing ourselves to give it just one more try. Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say farewell my love, goodbye
I guess that covers it my wonderings of thoughts and a chemically challenge brain. What is there to do but say good bye and live in healing deafening silence. I will watch and hope that forward progress will mean relief. I cross my fingers and send out positive energy. I also sprinkle it all with prayer. I am not a God person but …
The top is still down, the music plays on, a kick ass sound system, cool shades and great bright red lipstick…. Just zooming along with lots of attitude and a dazzling smile... I am such a girl, woman, lady no make that hottie…. You just gotta live the dream!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Polly Anna, Moijtos and are you smarter than a fifth grader?
It is a Sunday. Unseasonably warm weather. Sunshine. A new dress and some killer new pumps! It is one of those days you can only dream of. I feel good from stem to stern from root to toot from top to bottom. What is so odd about all this is I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I am one of those. You know the ones who while life is going good they wait for the bad news. The one who does not wish to feel good only because something bad will happen? It is coming… some kind of personal disaster or a comet hitting the earth or a dreaded incurable illness. I am now going to only think of the best. How could this be you ask? Little pessimistic me turning into of all things Polly Anna (- the bad dress and hair). Could it be? Sure. Yes it could why not. Who could be mistaken? BCarol is a wash in positive energy.
Why you ask… I took the plunge. Yes, I BCarol have been baptized. Now before you panic seeing me in an all white dress or being dunked in a lake or pool of water it was not typical. Nothing about me is typical and why should my relationship with God be typical?
First, I did not wear a white dress. A violet slip with a lace overlay in a pale brown with matching satin shoes (yes the heels were very high and all too cute). Second, I had a private ceremony with people in attendance who are individuals in many different ways. Thirdly, my music was all about me and I had one of the most talented musicians I know sing and play (she brought tears to my eyes damn she is good). I spoke of why I felt the need to take this step in my spirituals journey. A splash of water a little oil and there I was baptized!
Now before you think I have gone soft I did have a gathering afterwards. The repast included many enticing items and of course medicinal beverages. I think that my circle has found that a Mojito does have many healing attributes. One of my guests found that when she arrived home she felt relaxed, beguiled and romantic. Needless to say her husband now feels that I am an excellent influence and that I should have more gatherings of any nature! I do what I can….
Now back to the heart of the matter. I used the following quote in my remarks, testimony, ramblings… these religion things are sometimes so difficult to categorize. I look to one of my favorite books and quotes. The Color Purple "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."
Okay so I said “piss” from the pulpit. Not one of those things I would have tired to do during a Sunday service. The blue hairs would have needed CPR and the squad. Now that I think about it I could have met a wonderful EMT who would have seen me at my best. Hmmm something to consider.
The point is that as self-absorbed beings we are walking by God’s work daily without any kind of recognition. We want miracles that rival the super bowel half time show. We want to vote on who should be the American Miracle Winner. We want to know if God is smarter than a fifth grader? People we are talking about omnipotence here. Do you think some one who can create the universe is limited by time and space or bows to our every whim? Do you think God is sitting around wondering if he/she/it is smarter than a fifth grader?
The point is God made us and has given us the tools to be better. More loving, understanding, compassionate, kind, embraceable, musical, lyrical the list goes on and on. Still we walk past the color purple without blinking. We ignore the sunset. We ignore the laugh of a small child or the wonder of a child’s view of something that seems insignificant but when viewed by new eyes is awe-inspiring.
God has been kind to give me ears to hear music that can bring tears or rapture. I have eyes to see pigment used to express beauty and alarm. I have touch that gives me pleasure and pain. It amazes me the gifts that I take for granted daily. My baptism now makes me responsible for this yes my relationship with God. Now I have a bond that cannot be broken for better or for worse (I feel that I will have the better of the deal).
All in all this has given me the Polly Anna I never was. Me happy for the right reasons! Me thinking it’s all good. Will there be challenges? Yes, many, all too many some very painful other will seem impossible. God will be there for me. I will scream and kick. I will argue and fight but amazingly God will let me throw my fits. God can handle it. Wow, who would want such a job? I have no clue but I am going to do my best to be worthy of outcome of such a position. I hope that all who read this will be equally as blessed!
I am one of those. You know the ones who while life is going good they wait for the bad news. The one who does not wish to feel good only because something bad will happen? It is coming… some kind of personal disaster or a comet hitting the earth or a dreaded incurable illness. I am now going to only think of the best. How could this be you ask? Little pessimistic me turning into of all things Polly Anna (- the bad dress and hair). Could it be? Sure. Yes it could why not. Who could be mistaken? BCarol is a wash in positive energy.
Why you ask… I took the plunge. Yes, I BCarol have been baptized. Now before you panic seeing me in an all white dress or being dunked in a lake or pool of water it was not typical. Nothing about me is typical and why should my relationship with God be typical?
First, I did not wear a white dress. A violet slip with a lace overlay in a pale brown with matching satin shoes (yes the heels were very high and all too cute). Second, I had a private ceremony with people in attendance who are individuals in many different ways. Thirdly, my music was all about me and I had one of the most talented musicians I know sing and play (she brought tears to my eyes damn she is good). I spoke of why I felt the need to take this step in my spirituals journey. A splash of water a little oil and there I was baptized!
Now before you think I have gone soft I did have a gathering afterwards. The repast included many enticing items and of course medicinal beverages. I think that my circle has found that a Mojito does have many healing attributes. One of my guests found that when she arrived home she felt relaxed, beguiled and romantic. Needless to say her husband now feels that I am an excellent influence and that I should have more gatherings of any nature! I do what I can….
Now back to the heart of the matter. I used the following quote in my remarks, testimony, ramblings… these religion things are sometimes so difficult to categorize. I look to one of my favorite books and quotes. The Color Purple "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."
Okay so I said “piss” from the pulpit. Not one of those things I would have tired to do during a Sunday service. The blue hairs would have needed CPR and the squad. Now that I think about it I could have met a wonderful EMT who would have seen me at my best. Hmmm something to consider.
The point is that as self-absorbed beings we are walking by God’s work daily without any kind of recognition. We want miracles that rival the super bowel half time show. We want to vote on who should be the American Miracle Winner. We want to know if God is smarter than a fifth grader? People we are talking about omnipotence here. Do you think some one who can create the universe is limited by time and space or bows to our every whim? Do you think God is sitting around wondering if he/she/it is smarter than a fifth grader?
The point is God made us and has given us the tools to be better. More loving, understanding, compassionate, kind, embraceable, musical, lyrical the list goes on and on. Still we walk past the color purple without blinking. We ignore the sunset. We ignore the laugh of a small child or the wonder of a child’s view of something that seems insignificant but when viewed by new eyes is awe-inspiring.
God has been kind to give me ears to hear music that can bring tears or rapture. I have eyes to see pigment used to express beauty and alarm. I have touch that gives me pleasure and pain. It amazes me the gifts that I take for granted daily. My baptism now makes me responsible for this yes my relationship with God. Now I have a bond that cannot be broken for better or for worse (I feel that I will have the better of the deal).
All in all this has given me the Polly Anna I never was. Me happy for the right reasons! Me thinking it’s all good. Will there be challenges? Yes, many, all too many some very painful other will seem impossible. God will be there for me. I will scream and kick. I will argue and fight but amazingly God will let me throw my fits. God can handle it. Wow, who would want such a job? I have no clue but I am going to do my best to be worthy of outcome of such a position. I hope that all who read this will be equally as blessed!
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