Sometimes, I wonder about life in ways that leave me lost in thoughts that will never be answered. I know that there will always be the poor among us. I know that there will be disasters, greed, and loss of life. These are questions that I can no longer spend my time on. It will drive me to insanity and strife. Do not tell me that a million Chinese are starving but tell me that the family in my neighborhood is hungry I can do something about that.
I am reflecting on the thoughts of interaction on the smallest of human levels. I have watch marriages end, jobs lost and anger to cause division. When I drive about top down, warm sun on my skin and the best tunes playing my mind drifts to places that I would not consider at any other time. This is really disconcerting when you realize all I want is to be immersed in the joy of being.
I think that the empathic side of me will not allow such things. Before you say empathic who is she kidding! I am not. I have a gift/curse that causes people to share their intimate ideas, issues and problems. I have had total strangers tell me of their divorces, sexual issues, abuse and suicidal thoughts. I can be sitting in the library, book shop, doctor’s office, coffee shop or bar… It is something that I consider a gift but it can be damn draining! I have witnesses to this aspect of my life. Friends have asked why did that person just tell you that. I do not know. If I could bottle whatever it is I would so that those among us who feel the need to be social workers would have the upper hand.
I have never been married nor have I lived long term with a man. I am in no way able to comprehend what marriage entails. I do know that when relationships are strong the joy is immeasurable. HOWEVER, when things go wrong it is wretched and loathsome. This goes beyond white picket fences, the every day grind and sex.
My on going question is what happens? Where does the relationship go? Is there some kind of purgatory that swallows the relationship and only leaves the dregs of what once was? Can such joy fade into bitterness and oblivion? Does the joy leave never to return or can it be found, polished and lustrous again? I have watched in distress of late two people in different relationships that are about to come to the same end.
Within this end there is the fear of loneness, the want of vengeance and self failure. Add to that day to day of living. How could anyone actually wake up and look forward to another day? Where do you find the intestinal fortitude to live alone and find calm? I have watched two people looking passive and indifferent. The ease of numbness has become their friend, lover and being.
Numbness is not a life. Numbness does offer brief relief but has the effect of a relentless hangover after a night of intense indulgence. The taste is bitter, the colors dull and the sound deadening. The energy or lack of washes over me and I find myself in a state of anguish. I move to save myself from it all and step away. I know that if I were strong or a better person I would stand with these two but answers I do not have. I have nothing to add to this dilemma. All I can do is watch as the pain continues…
I smile briefly when I think of a song. Music always comes to mind (I have an uncommon ability to remember lyrics but cannot think of the safe combination to save my life).
It's sad to think, we're not gonna make it and it's gotten to the point where we just can’t fake it. For some ungodly reason we just won't let it die. I guess neither one of us wants to be the first to say good bye
I keep on wondering what I'm gonna do with out ya and I guess you must be wondering that same thing too. So we go on, go on together living a lie. Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say good bye
When it comes to saying good bye that's a simple word that I just cannot say
there can be no way, there can be no way this can have a happy ending so we just go on hurting and pretending and convincing ourselves to give it just one more try. Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say farewell my love, goodbye
I guess that covers it my wonderings of thoughts and a chemically challenge brain. What is there to do but say good bye and live in healing deafening silence. I will watch and hope that forward progress will mean relief. I cross my fingers and send out positive energy. I also sprinkle it all with prayer. I am not a God person but …
The top is still down, the music plays on, a kick ass sound system, cool shades and great bright red lipstick…. Just zooming along with lots of attitude and a dazzling smile... I am such a girl, woman, lady no make that hottie…. You just gotta live the dream!
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