outside the preverbal box, older woman and a push-up bra (the girls need to be seen)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

lost my job, 15 years and regretted sex

Another great day for BCarol...before you think why would this be a great day let me add that I have lost my job. For most of you I am sure you would find that great cause for alarm but for me I have found it soothing like a long soak in a wonderful hot tub of water. Something you ease yourself into… slowly but then is all comforting.

Why this reaction from a woman who cries and needs control? As I have stated in my blog the last 15 years have left me longing for something that I was not sure existed. I stood up took a deep breath and took care of me first! Yes, me. No more self-deprecation. No more suffering for others. No more measuring myself by the happiness that I could give others. Shit! I have wasted years caring for those who could care less about me or anything but themselves.

Here I stand-alone! No, for once I am not alone. I am so far from alone that it is beyond measure. I have friends who are supporting me. I have a church family that has been feeding my soul often. I have a God who is giving me direction. I sat far too long unable to move. God will give you a push when you needed it. God kicked me in my ass HARD and now here I stand mentally healthier, thinner and spiritual. What next? What to do? Where to go?

I would like to stay in my house. I really do love my house. As we all know selling it in this economy would be almost impossible. There are locations within a commutable distance to work at. However, if I am meant to leave so be it. Nothing I can do but move forward.

For those I worked with who needed me gone it is a good thing for them. I hope that they find what it is they are lacking, feel safe and make their goals and aspirations. I still see many challenges and up hill battles but I do know that they only acted on what was best for them. It is all good and I hope and pray for there success. May they have all that they deserve.

I thought that I may have been riding a barge down the river de’nile. I had a long talk with my pastor. I have not been drinking. I have not chased men for wild nights of regretted sex nor have I screamed and felt bitter. I have worked in the park, have cleaned my sun porch so I can read, have cared for the koi and still sing in the choir and attend church. I am not even stress eating. How can this be?

Personal acceptance, personal forgiveness, and something called unconditional love. You must practice it to receive it. I recommend to all practice it and see what happens. Before you think well isn’t she all to healthy I know that there will be some dark days ahead. I mean come on who am I to think I am above such things. I am not BUT I have a strong foundation. I have the world looking for that new position. I have a little money in the bank. Now I walk into the sun out of my preverbal hut I was hiding in and let the sun warm my hands and face. I blink often because I have not looked up in so very long.

Wow, life can be amazingly beautiful. I hope that I can find my way. Unfortunately direct routes are not given… It must be a God thing. Lord may my ears be open to your direction I do not know how many kicks in the ass I can take…

Bobbie Brown, a walking cornucopia and green darkness

I am a homeowner! Well that is rather misleading. I have a signed my name more than Bobbie Brown has DUIs BUT for all intensive purpose I am renting from a bank and am in charge of the upkeep of my personal mortgaged estate. I like the term mortgaged estate. The term makes it all seem strangely elegant in a regency short of way.

I spent the last two days in the park (sounds better than yard). I tended the water feature. What would an estate be without a fountain? All in all I am gratified by this! I however cannot lift my arms over my head and putting on a bra was beyond difficult. I see many minutes in the hot tub this evening.

Back to the park. I have been told by many that I have a proclivity for making things grow before you think how hard is that allow me to explain. I am mother earth and bring forth fertility and bounty. I am a walking cornucopia. This all started with house plants. I can grow a forest in a pot. I had a poinsettia that lived for five years and grew to the size of a small tree. It would also turn red but only in July. Maybe it was like me bucking the system set in place to keep us moving in a timely and acceptable fashion? Fight the Powers that Be!!

I have a lovely water feature. This started while watching Home and Garden TV. I watch a program on how to build your own back yard “Water Feature”. I call it the pond. This sounded relatively easy. I could get a kit for $160, some gravel, a little sand and you are good to go. Alas, if you watch such television I advise you to ignore the project. All I will add is nothing is that simple. It wasn’t anywhere near simple. Let us not forget cost. The cost is never ending.

After sever back breaking labor and the help of friends who did not a have a clue about a water feature (ignorance loves company) I heard the sound of water from the wonderful nozzle head of the fountain. Ah, so lovely sitting on the deck looking at the 6’x6’ 5’ deep pond. Ah, what joy? Did I stop there? No, that would have been too much like right. I then found the dark side…water gardening.

I first thought lily pads would be lovely. Yes, Lilies. I jump on the internet and find all varieties of aquatic plants. I invest in a basket, clay and more rocks and planted a lily. It thrives does well and blooms all the time. Yeah! How hard can this be?

Then there came the sickness. The green darkness... Green pea soup water. What had I done wrong? How could my bastion of peace and clearness turn into mucky backwater? What to do? Ah, too much sunlight (like I can stop that small fact) and nitrogen. What to do? Back to the internet… plants… float plants lots of them. Water lettuce, water hyacinths and duck weed… We have moved to murky from pea soup. Now add a few bacteria.

Yes, bacteria, there is good bacteria that is required to keep ones water feature pristine. Once weekly I make a brown sludge and dump it in. I am now in water feature euphoria. Still the dark side beckons. What else could a single woman with three cats need? Fish.

I went to Walmart picked up three inexpensive fish and dropped them in. They lived except one. His lost was greatly felt. I buried him under my cucumber plant. The plant did very well. To go with the mother earth theme this one plant supplied three families with cucumbers for a summer. Still something amazing happened in the spring. I moved from having two fish to having seven fish. Again back to the internet. How could this have happened? I may not date a lot but I know how it happened.

Now I have seven fish that was at the end of October last year when I winterized the pond. Guess what happened? I know you will never guess I will tell you. MORE FLIPP’N FISH BABIES! Now mind you I have nothing against proliferation but why is it that my fish are getting more than I am? Heavy Sigh…I am now moving back to my normal calm state of being.

I then went back to the internet and found a plan for a new mechanical filter. A mechanical filter is an underwater device that can cost hundreds of dollars. I constructed mine for about $50. A file crate, lava rock and some sponge material and you have got a 2200 gallon mechanical filter. This keeps the water clear, assists the healthy bacteria and filters fish waste (I have large amounts of fish poop). I could have gone bigger but to be honest I do not want clear happy water. I think it give my fish ideas! Gee, I wonder if this is all incestuous in the pond? Moving on…. This is rather disturbing.

You may ask what next for the mortgaged estate of BCarol. Easy I will move onto herbs. All herbs will be of a legal variety and fragrant…assorted mints, basil, lavender, and other herbs. They will look lovely in the new herb bed with the lilac, morning glories and moon flowers… my own little garden of BCarol. Wouldn’t the bank be ever so proud of their estate?

The Zodiac, a 1968 'Cuda and is this really science?

I have a good friend who enjoys astrology signs. She states that astrology is not great about predicting the future but does lead to insight of a person’s personality… Soooo me being the person I am I opened up the internet and this is what I found. SPOOKY and I do not mean in a Shaggy and Scooby kind of way!

I found this at
http://mizian.com.ne.kr/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/capricorn.htm
Please feel free to check out your Zodiac. Who knows what you may learn! The entire description of a Capricorn follows my mad ranting…

“There's no such think as a typical Capricorn female.” YEAH!!! Someone agrees that I am not typical. When you think BCarol typical is not the first thing that jumps to mind. I thought that it was me but I will now place all blame on a science (is it a science) that remains in question. Ah, to put blame on something that will not fight back! I have assisted with a large charity ball, have volunteered at a museum and am a certified literacy instructor for adults. This is getting even spookier. Yikes, Scooby Doo where are you!?!?

“She can be ultra-feminine, flirtatious and charming enough to make a man feel like a giant grizzly bear who can protect her from the cold, cruel world. Or she can be icy, quiet and aloof, sitting securely on her marble pedestal and challenging you to be clever enough to win her superior hand.”

Ultra-feminine? Is this a super hero quality or is that super heroine? Flirtatious? Charming? Okay… I find myself to be rather vociferous and direct. Do I have charm? Let’s look it up. What was life like before Merriam-Webster?

Main Entry: 1fem·i·nine
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1: female 1a(1)
2: characteristic of or appropriate or unique to women
3: of, relating to, or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words or grammatical forms referring to females
4 a: being an unstressed and usually hypermetric final syllable bof rhyme : having an unstressed final syllable c: having the final chord occurring on a weak beat music

Main Entry: charm·ing
Function: adjective
Date: 1634
: extremely pleasing or delightful : entrancing
— charm·ing·ly \-miŋ-lē\ adverb

Main Entry: flir·ta·tious
Function: adjective
Date: 1834
: inclined to flirt : coquettish

I am ultra-woman “here I come to save the day ultra-womans on her way”. This is not working for me. Pleasing and delightful? Sounds good. If you know me and have perceived me as the previous would you be so kind as to tell me. In addition, I would also like to know when I was pleasing and delightful. As for flirtatious be honest and also share that information. I have this mental picture of long following hair, a pink dress, gardenias a veranda and a love struck beau sitting at my feet. Hmmm, not so much I think. Then again anything is possible in America!

“There's nothing flashy about the Capricorn female. You'll certainly never see her loudly or obviously pushing and shoving for first place; you may even think she's docile enough to contentedly take a back seat to her competition. Wait. See who gets the promotion.”

Now this I agree with! I am not obvious about being first. The truth is that if that is your only value in life you have more issues then you realize. I work for a person and to be honest her need to be number one at any cost is really embarrassing. She manages to alienate ever person she speaks too. It is almost like watching a yappy dog trying to be the focus of all attention. Also, what do you gain by being number one at all cost? Will the world stop spinning if you took a break and watched and observed? No, I think not. Ambition is good when used in moderation and with insight.

I enjoy being the center of attention but only with the people who I choose and enjoy. Alas, if you are slow, mundane, dull witted or lackluster just go away and save your feelings and my time.

“One of the most typical and delightful things about this woman is her natural breeding and grace of manner. You can meet a Capricorn girl who was raised in a one-room shack across the railroad -tracks, or whose father works the swing shift in a coal mine, but unless she decides to reveal her background (which she probably won't), you'll be convinced she comes from an old-line family, and was turned out by one of the best finishing schools. Such is the Capricorn built-in sense of social grace and conservative, conventional appearances.”

I have been told that I can be a classy and well mannered. I can also swear and drink like a sailor. Maybe I am a sailor that enjoys good vodka strait while reading Chekhov? Even that is too odd for this world of mine. I might be a plot for a David Mamet play. I smell Tony… My appearance is conservative but always tasteful and showing my best attributes. The foundation of this always starts with a great pair of heels!

“The truth is that she's subject to many moods. All women are subject to moods, you say, but the Capricorn girl can have some really black and long-lasting ones. If she feels mistreated or unappreciated, she'll brood for days, weeks, even months. She calls it being sensible or practical, but Saturnine gloominess, pessimism and depression are much more deeply rooted than that. They're triggered by fear of the future, worry about the present, shame over the past-or a suspicion that she's being made fun of or is inadequate in some way.”

I have admitted it in earlier blogs I have issues. Many, many, MANY issues. I am okay with that. Why you ask? How can this ambitious, classic woman be okay with her deep dark moods and self-deprecation? Easy, therapy, chemicals for better living (GOD BLESS DuPont), good friends and an occasional vodka based beverage.

“It's hard for her to relax in romantic situations. There's plenty of physical desire under the cool Capricorn surface, far more than most people suspect, and it's never satisfied casually.”… “once she's decided you're the right man and the finances are secure or your ambition is sufficient, shell be as warm as a cuddly panda, affectionate, and even passionate.” I do not relax in a romantic situation simply because they happen so rarely. I am not sure when I am in a romantic situation. It really dissuades a man if you ask him is this a romantic situation? Yes or no? I want to make sure that I respond in a correct manner. This seems to be a real turn off to men and a deal killer too. Ah, Capricorns are practical are they not?

What is this “even passionate”? I am very passionate. I can purr like a ‘cuda (1968 Convertible 7.2L V8 Color In-Violet) when so moved. It just takes the right inducements. Then again all things worth running hard are worth the effort and the cost of fuel. My, my that is euphemistic.

What this all comes down to is an interesting exercise in something that really doesn’t matter one iota. My question, do you match up or is this one coincidence in my research on the World Wide Web? Could it be that the stars can predicted something anything? This I will merit further thought from in my hot tub while watching the stars above. It is still more than likely crap BUT I do love to watch the night sky.

So she got up and walked about- rather stiffly just at first,
as she was afraid that the crown might come off:
but she comforted herself with the thought
that there was nobody to see her, "and if I really am a Queen," she said,
as she sat down again, "I shall be able to manage it quite well in time."

There's no such think as a typical Capricorn female. She can be a museum curator who wears granny glasses for real, or she can be a dancer who wears a glittering G-string for fun. You'll see her crisply running a suburban P.T.A., frying hamburgers in a coffee shop, or organizing the biggest Charity Ball in the city. A Capricorn woman may decorate the society columns, smile demurely behind a political candidate husband or pour mysterious liquids into test tubes. But whatever she's doing and whatever she's wearing, Saturn will rule her actions and her secret aims.

She can be ultra-feminine, flirtatious and charming enough to make a man feel like a giant grizzly bear who can protect her from the cold, cruel world. Or she can be icy, quiet and aloof, sitting securely on her marble pedestal and challenging you to be clever enough to win her superior hand. Whichever personality she projects, underneath her womanly wiles or her practical, sensible manner, she has the same goal-a steely determination to snag the right man, who can become important, make her proud and be a good father to her children.

So many Capricorn women are career girls; you might think love and marriage would always be a second choice. With love, you have a point. With marriage, no. The thing to understand is that the Capricorn goals are security, authority, respect and position. It makes little difference if these needs are supplied in front of a blackboard as a school teacher, behind a desk as an executive, or beside an ambitions husband whose social life and home she can manage with easy grace and careful planning. One way or another, the Capricorn woman will get her recognition. Some of them get it by writing books, lecturing, painting or composing music. It's surprising how many Capricorns of both sexes have unusual artistic talent. Perhaps it stems from an innate sense of balance and harmony, knowing what is pleasing and what is right or correct.

This is a little delicate, but even the Saturn females you find in burlesque theaters or engaging in the world's oldest profession (there will be only a handful) will end up by marrying the top comic or the theater owner in the first instance-or the wealthiest client in the second. The goat must climb. Whether the starting position is high or low, the top of the hill is where she finds the view more satisfying. There's nothing flashy about the Capricorn female. You'll certainly never see her loudly or obviously pushing and shoving for first place; you may even think she's docile enough to contentedly take a back seat to her competition. Wait. See who gets the promotion.

Don't be misled into thinking she'll never sacrifice her career for marriage. Just give this girl half a chance to be a social leader and the mistress of a well-run household, and you'll see how quickly she loses interest in her job (one of the few things she'll do quickly). If you need her to, the Capricorn woman will gladly continue working to help you climb up the mountain of success-she won't be lazy. Otherwise, however, she's happier enjoying her position as your wife, provided the position is a good one, and there's enough financial security.

One of the most typical and delightful things about this woman is her natural breeding and grace of manner. You can meet a Capricorn girl who was raised in a one-room shack across the railroad -tracks, or whose father works the swing shift in a coal mine, but unless she decides to reveal her background (which she probably won't), you'll be convinced she comes from an old-line family, and was turned out by one of the best finishing schools. Such is the Capricorn built-in sense of social grace and conservative, conventional appearances.

Any man who's involved in a relationship with the female goat should learn a basic fact about this Sun sign. She seems to be more even-tempered and emotionally steady than she actually is. Her manner may convince you that she's as firm as a rock and nothing can ruffle her calm surface. The truth is that she's subject to many moods. All women are subject to moods, you say, but the Capricorn girl can have some really black and long-lasting ones. If she feels mistreated or unappreciated, she'll brood for days, weeks, even months. She calls it being sensible or practical, but Saturnine gloominess, pessimism and depression are much more deeply rooted than that. They're triggered by fear of the future, worry about the present, shame over the past-or a suspicion that she's being made fun of or is inadequate in some way. These women do not accept teasing lightly. Keep it at a minimum. To be honest, they find it impossible to see the joke when they're the victims. You don't have to bury her in compliments constantly (she'll sense when they're insincere, anyway), but don't kid her about important matters, and praise her often enough to make her realize you know her true value.

It's hard for her to relax in romantic situations. There's plenty of physical desire under the cool Capricorn surface, far more than most people suspect, and it's never satisfied casually. Sitting around and wasting time with breathless hugs and ecstatic kisses while the future is still hanging unsettled is definitely not her favorite hobby-yet once she's decided you're the right man and the finances are secure or your ambition is sufficient, shell be as warm as a cuddly panda, affectionate, and even passionate. Capricorns don't believe in vague dreams that glide aimlessly through a misty, blue sky. They want to know where the ship of romance is taking them, and that it's sailing on safe waters. Build a firm foundation under your house if you plan to carry a Capricorn girl over the threshold. Make sure there's plenty of insurance and the mortgage is paid off or will be soon.

Shell probably be something of a social butterfly, extremely aware of etiquette, and she'll lean toward quaint customs like engraved napkin rings and needlepoint chairs. Things must be correct and tradition must be observed at all costs. She may have an inconsistent habit of wanting to shop in the most expensive, exclusive stores, yet insisting on a bargain. She doesn't mind buying a dress that's on sale, as long as it bears the right label.
Capricorn women have a fresh beauty of their own. You'll rarely find one who's not unusually attractive. Yet they are timid and unsure about their appearance, and you may find them needing constant reassurance that they're pretty. Although Capricorn females hate dishonesty in all forms, they're not above lying about their ages. They usually get away with it, too, thanks to the odd Saturn aging twist. They look like little old ladies as children, then bloom suddenly into women who look like young girls when they're past the prime of life.

It would be a terrible mistake to snub her family. The man who marries a Capricorn girl marries her relatives. There's no point in thinking that yours is different. She's not. Somewhere along the line, you'll stop laughing at mother-in-law jokes (you may cry instead). Many times, the Saturn female is the sole support of her family, financially or morally or both. She may care for an ill parent with devotion to the point of relinquishing the idea of marriage completely. Often, she'll enjoy the sacrifice because of her honest love for her family, but even if she resents it, her strong sense of responsibility and duty will not permit her to escape.

You might as well resign yourself to flattering your mother-in-law, and hope she's a great gal who's worth it. Don't argue politics with her father, and if you must criticize her brothers and sisters, see that the criticism is constructive, and based on a sincere belief in their potentialities. Frequently, Capricorns find themselves burdened with distressed or invalid relatives, and the typical goats will never let love, however consuming it might be, cause them to neglect such obligations. You'd better start right out by planning to have a guest room or two for visiting relatives. But there's a reverse benefit. You'll have a wife who is kind and considerate toward your own family.

The Capricorn girl will understand if you have to allocate a fixed sum to your parents each week, and she'll probably be a companion to your brothers and sisters. She's the kind of girl you take home to meet mother, and mother approves of her immediately. Since men are so contrary, such instant encouragement can cause them to back away. It's always more fun to fight objections for your lady fair. But you'll only be slicing off your nose to spite your heart, because your mother is right.

The Capricorn girl, if she's a typical Saturn woman, will make an excellent wife. The home of a Capricorn woman often looks so effortlessly spotless and smooth-running you'd think there were little fairies and elves hiding in the comers, working away furiously after midnight to shine and polish and cook and clean. Wrong. The very last place you can expect to find such imaginary creatures is around a Capricorn. The Saturn practicality and faith in firm facts ordinarily precludes any sympathy with the unseen. A Capricorn girl wouldn't believe in leprechauns if one sat right on the tip of her nose. In all fairness, however, although she may not be a way-out dreamer or a follower of occult mysteries, once she has the solid facts she's able to see the romance and poetry in the most ordinary situations.
Hers is an earthy kind of beauty that can make even the gross and ugly seem lovely with sheer usefulness. She's not a stranger to the gypsy spell of the north wind, nor is she deaf to the silver song of spring showers and the call of a lonely skylark. Great music stirs her deeply, and she's an enchanted patron of almost any art form. Perhaps she has to see and touch magic to believe in it. A leprechaun would probably get much further with her if he came right out and said where that pot of gold is hidden, instead of hinting about it in fairy tales.

Most Capricorns save their rainbow thinking for history and heroic deeds of the past. Since she worships tradition, and reveres those who have overcome obstacles to gain success, it's easier for her to get sentimental over the Gettysburg address than to get enthusiastic over your latest wild scheme. Actually, she's a true romantic, with greater imagination than the scatterbrains with unreal fantasies. Every January girl has haunting poetry in her soul, but she doesn't have much sympathy for poets who starve in attics. Take care of the food and rent and then pursue the dream, whatever it may be, is the Capricorn motto. Also make sure that the dream is worth pursuing. She sees nothing glamorous or magical about failure.

You may have to share your Capricorn wife with causes. She'll be a tireless worker for the poor and the defenseless, but she may prefer to show her charity in group efforts, rather than to individuals. Saturnine sympathies are usually organized, seldom scattered. Female Capricorns are natural leaders of women's clubs.

She'll probably instill both thrift and a respect for quality in the youngsters. She'll teach them to "Eat it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." Still, they'll be served the best cuts of meat, and she'll buy them the finest make of shoes. To her, economy does not have to mean cheap.

The children will be expected to be polite to relatives and elders, and they'll probably learn excellent manners. They won't be pampered or allowed to willfully disobey. If you give her a book on child psychology, she may use it to paddle an unruly offspring and get around to reading it later. Sticky kisses may not be welcome, but few mothers are more devoted than the female goat. Her children will get a courteous listening ear. She may be a little strict and unsympathetic to their growing pains, but she'll be a fascinated audience for their achievements. The child who runs home from school and shouts, "Guess what I learned today," won't be ignored by the Capricorn mother, who will never be too busy to give her youngsters her interest and attention.

After they become teenagers, there may be a few barriers when the Saturn conservatism clashes with youth's liberalism. At this point, she may need some help in understanding her children's enthusiastic dreams. She may learn the hard way that she can't dictate their friendships and confine them to "acceptable" people. But she's intelligent enough to adjust and pull in her horns if it looks as though she'll lose more than she'll gain.
Since many Capricorn females have sensitive skin, they don't wear much make-up. Lots of them are allergic to it. But nature rewarded them with natural beauty that needs little gilding, and they'll keep it long after the roses have faded from the cheeks of other women. Some of them startle you with lovely complexions, firm features and bright eyes at the age of eighty and older.

Patiently help your Capricorn woman overcome her lack of personal confidence. She's not unimaginative just because she doesn't court delusion. Try on a couple of her practical dreams for size, and you'll find they're surprisingly comfortable. Stubbornness may be one of her vices, but she's not a whiner or a nervous nag. She'll push you toward success, yet be tender and devoted. In spite of her modest, often gentle ways, she'll know just how to twist you around her little finger. There's a deep richness in her love that's more lasting than the brittle, scorching, demanding love of other women. Who says she doesn't believe in fairy tales? Only a wise Capricorn maiden could look deep into the eyes of an awkward frog and see that he's really a prince in disguise. Not only that-if you marry her, you’ll never run out of clean socks.