lost my job, 15 years and regretted sex

Another great day for BCarol...before you think why would this be a great day let me add that I have lost my job. For most of you I am sure you would find that great cause for alarm but for me I have found it soothing like a long soak in a wonderful hot tub of water. Something you ease yourself into… slowly but then is all comforting.

Why this reaction from a woman who cries and needs control? As I have stated in my blog the last 15 years have left me longing for something that I was not sure existed. I stood up took a deep breath and took care of me first! Yes, me. No more self-deprecation. No more suffering for others. No more measuring myself by the happiness that I could give others. Shit! I have wasted years caring for those who could care less about me or anything but themselves.

Here I stand-alone! No, for once I am not alone. I am so far from alone that it is beyond measure. I have friends who are supporting me. I have a church family that has been feeding my soul often. I have a God who is giving me direction. I sat far too long unable to move. God will give you a push when you needed it. God kicked me in my ass HARD and now here I stand mentally healthier, thinner and spiritual. What next? What to do? Where to go?

I would like to stay in my house. I really do love my house. As we all know selling it in this economy would be almost impossible. There are locations within a commutable distance to work at. However, if I am meant to leave so be it. Nothing I can do but move forward.

For those I worked with who needed me gone it is a good thing for them. I hope that they find what it is they are lacking, feel safe and make their goals and aspirations. I still see many challenges and up hill battles but I do know that they only acted on what was best for them. It is all good and I hope and pray for there success. May they have all that they deserve.

I thought that I may have been riding a barge down the river de’nile. I had a long talk with my pastor. I have not been drinking. I have not chased men for wild nights of regretted sex nor have I screamed and felt bitter. I have worked in the park, have cleaned my sun porch so I can read, have cared for the koi and still sing in the choir and attend church. I am not even stress eating. How can this be?

Personal acceptance, personal forgiveness, and something called unconditional love. You must practice it to receive it. I recommend to all practice it and see what happens. Before you think well isn’t she all to healthy I know that there will be some dark days ahead. I mean come on who am I to think I am above such things. I am not BUT I have a strong foundation. I have the world looking for that new position. I have a little money in the bank. Now I walk into the sun out of my preverbal hut I was hiding in and let the sun warm my hands and face. I blink often because I have not looked up in so very long.

Wow, life can be amazingly beautiful. I hope that I can find my way. Unfortunately direct routes are not given… It must be a God thing. Lord may my ears be open to your direction I do not know how many kicks in the ass I can take…