I took this week off! This is a monumental thing. I assume upon my return that I will pay for this privilege. First and foremost I am feeling rested after one day. Okay so I started on Friday night. So far I have not been asked questions that are emotionally draining, require mental agility, some kind of mentoring or requires me to wear strips and through yellow hankies about. Good thing too stripes are so unbecoming no matter who you are.
Today was choir rehearsal. Yes, I sing in choir and no it does not require vodka-based beverages. The church I attend sells Christmas Trees for the holidays. As I walked through the tree lot I had a brief moment of my childhood reappear. It was fascinating. Why? Because I am one of the many without a home... after 40 years of marital bliss (this is dripping with sarcasm) my parental units divorced. They sold the house and now I haven’t any home to go too.
Before you think awww pooooor BCarol let me explain. My parents cared for me, provided for me, educated me, corrected me, made sure that I had strait teeth and would make something of myself. Notice love was not the first, second or the third item listed. I know that my parents loved me as much as they were able.
I will admit openly that I was a peculiar child. I was artsy, did not handle apprehension well and was very tactile. These are not things that my parents were prepared for then again what parent is? My parents are very matter of fact and did their best to prepare me for all my shortcomings.
I was informed, “you are not a pretty girl” that bell ringer happened around 12 years of age. 12-year-old girls are so secure that this had little effect on my self-esteem and self-image. If I should find my self-esteem I am sure that it is unaffected. There was the ever popular “what is wrong with you”, “you go to school to learn not to be happy”. I slowly moved into the land of apathy and stopped caring about much of anything. Still there are things that I remember of my childhood that brings back good memories.
This brings me back to the tree lot. The smell of pine…lead to thoughts of boxes from grandma, silly Christmas specials and the lights on the tree that gave the living room a magical quality. Sugar cookies with red sprinkles and tangerines. Going to my grandmothers and going downtown to the parade to see the jolly old man himself on a huge float carrying in the holiday season.
As a child it was all so miraculous...the burning excitement of it all. Now as an adult I look at Christmas differently. As we rehearsed the Ukrainian Bell Carol tonight I could close my eyes and see my Christmases of years gone by. I could hear my gran’s clear as day. I could remember all that was. I have my own ghost of Christmas Past. It is a sweet and tender spirit that only brings comfort to a cynical old woman. So what is a woman with a spirit, three cats and no home to do for another holiday season? Be apathetic? Lament the fact that I do not have a home? Eat worms?
This is the point of tonight’s rant! Ready? Okay here it comes. I will find comfort in those around me and within myself. Christmas lights can still make a living room look magical. Rudolph and the Grinch still make me chuckle. I love sugar cookies and will make them in my own home, in my own kitchen anyway I want. I do not have children but I have three cats that will cause all kinds of mischief with a tree covered in shiny things that can be batted about. I will share with friends my love of Christmas music, my fireplace and a mug of something hot. I will attend church and focus on my life and how all things affect my faith and belief in God.
These are not earth shattering gifts. I mean how can the above compare to a Nintendo Wii? Still I know that like Scrooge…
"I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. - A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
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