I am experiencing something called the “dark night of the soul”. I did not make up this term nor invent it. This term or description was given to me by a former pastor who I greatly respect and have found comforting guidance from. Yes, even those who rant need comforting.
I have been described by many as an old soul or a wise soul. I have been labeled intuitive, empathic and at times physic. I can say for all of these “supposed” gifts I find myself exhausted. I find that this exhaustion has moved to encompass my physical life and now enters my spiritual life. I find that an exhausted spirit finds little to be joyful. I am a person who could (if asked 6 months ago can) embrace the serenity and beauty of the smallest thing.
In the spring I planted an assortment of morning glories and moonflowers along a fence in my garden. The reason was I love morning glories and the intense purple and the seer numbers of blooms brought me joy. Simple right? I think so. Before I could get in the car and start thinking of the day ahead I could take a moment and embrace a very small miracle created in my own household universe. Yes, a small but a very bright light to my soul.
Now I find that not even the smallest light can bring any solace. This darkness has no end. There isn’t any sound, scent or other being. It is mine alone and is unabled to be shared. Now back to the pastor moment. I was told that God gives all of us this time of darkness to reflect and listen to what it is we are to do. This is the time to stop. Stopping means letting God have control. Stop trying to fix what is wrong or what you think to be right. Listen quietly, patiently and all will become clear.
I am not a patient soul. Waiting has never been a strength. I prayed once to learn patience. It was the longest three years of my life. A prayer that I have never repeated and trust me never will again. You must be careful for what you pray…you just may have your prayer answered.
I find that God knows more than I can ever hope to but the mystery of it all has left me feeling isolated and frankly without care. If you have been reading my written babbles you will know that I care about just everything and everyone. I however seem to lack care for myself. I find daily that I feed those around me with emotion and support. I give small parts of myself away daily without asking for anything in return. That is only right in my view of life…I find that I give more than I receive. I am running out of pieces with rapidity. Does this mean the end of my existence when there is nothing left to give?
Exhaustion and an exceedingly dark void… here I sit float or exist in this void. Waiting for God to tell me what is next. Waiting with open mind and spirit not trying to make my world into what I deem as acceptable but what God deems it.
Afraid? Me? No make that terrified! Doing this alone, nothing new. Maybe this is the time when stripped of all comforters I may find a direction in God’s plan. Maybe for once I would like to be insightful enough to understand without having to pay the costly price? God is not of instant gratification. God is not always kind in his lessons. However with faith an answer will come. So my journey begins....
without rants.......
2 comments:
Yummy stuff. Keep writing. Then, let's plan to share a vodka-based beverage soon.
Good luck, from this young soul too inexperienced to know when enough is enough...
I think the plan here, in this "time of darkness," is to avoid going down the route of The Heart of Darkness. It's not an evil time, it's an unsure and depressed time.
But maybe start with the fact that indeed, you are not evil. You are inherently good. God will surely tell you what he will because your heart, by its good nature, is already open to receive it.
Good luck.
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