Alabaster, BCE and sales clerks

Pots, vessels, jars, vases…. They can be alabaster, clay, porcelain, and bisque…. Some are of great beauty and other practical and utilitarian. As I look at vessels I never think of what is inside only the purpose of the said piece. Is it historic? Does it demonstrate the great skill of the maker? Is it BCE (Before the Common Era)? I am looking at vessels differently today.

My pastor brought this to mind and I could not remove this idea from my consciousness. I started to look at every being as a vessel. I know that this may seem simple and benign but it is not. The human race is very much driven by the visual. I am no less guilty of this view. I enjoy stunning shoes, men with broad shoulders and the color purple. If you look at this from the standpoint of faith it is different.

God, your higher power whatever you follow has created many containers but what we do not ask is what is this container to carry? We all know that when we look at a person we can see many aspects. That is why vessels struck me. We are all vessel carrying something.

My issue is that we so rarely see what is being carried. We see the shape, color and size. We see quality of material, style and what we deem as acceptable form. Simple we look with our own view of beauty and prejudice. I will not talk about what is right or wrong with the concepts of humans. That is a debate that will be with us through millennia. My question goes beyond that.

I see myself as a large terra cotta container. My design is that of God’s eye. I would much rather resemble an elegant Ming Dynasty vase. I have dreamed of being an alabaster jar. I imagine my skin as fine Limoges porcelain. I am still plain clay and will always be.

I do not feel sorry for myself because of my material make up. It is practical and affords that ability to carry any numbers of items. It also protects the contents from damage. The question is how do we know what we carry and what everyone else carries. There in lie the rub.

During the last year of self-exploration and development of new medicinal beverages I have found that no matter how I feel I am carrying what God poured inside me and there is not a thing I can do about! I must acquiesce. This is one of those suck it up and deal with it realizations in life. You have faith, God gives you grace you have not choice but to go with it.

My particular container holds many things. Most of them have been created by my environment, education and society. Some of these self-creations are good, bad and ugly but that is what I have added not what I was created with.

Ah, created with. I know what I have that God gave me and to be honest it is not easy. In fact it is something that I have desperately tried to turn off. I did but the cost was more than I could bear. Sometimes God let’s you win just to show how stubborn you are and that he/she knows better. My container is full of empathy. I know you are saying how bad can that be? Let me share a few of the pit falls of empathy.

First somewhere on my forehead are the words “tell her everything”. This is a fine thing for friends and family BUT this is being read by the general public. In restaurants, grocery stores, public rest rooms, classrooms, street corners anywhere in the world. You are thinking what could anyone tell her that could be that difficult after all these are people whom she has no relationship with. Three examples.

I walked into a store and the clerk told me about her issues within her marriage. Her husband could not make it through the day without a drink. He would rather drink than have sex with her. His relationship with his children had stopped. He had anger issues due to his job. This is from a person who all I asked is does this come in purple? I offered some local services that may be helpful to her situation and she seemed to feel better and genuinely smiled. Great for her!

Another incident? A man was divorcing his wife. I learned that the marriage had been on the rocks for sometime. I learned the following without asking. No sex but if his soon to be ex-wife knew that he would divorce her she would have accommodated his needs. I did not need to know that. In addition he was not able to have an erection even with the assistance of medication. I would think that I had a look of terror on my face but apparently I must look calm and angelic? Not so much on the inside.

Yet another sales clerk. I wanted to know if a shoe came in my size. Simple? I learned that she is a single mom, had moved home with her mother after she left the father of her baby. This is not so bad until she starts to tell me about her precarious financial situation. Apparently her ex was using her information to open accounts. We are not talking a visa but with the phone company. He had managed to run up a $900 phone bill in her name and she was about to be garnished. Tears followed I offered tissues from my handbag and offered her information to a local attorney who I know does pro-bono work. All I wanted was a shoe.

What I find is that I am like a jar full of cool water. I offer dipper after dipper of release, kindness and liberation. A gift but the cost for me is the slow and steady emptying of me. For sometime I could not refill myself. I had not a drop of water to offer. The color of this jar my jar had gone from a drenched deep terra cotta to a dry colorless gray.

My choice was to not feel and not to be in the world. It was easy and worked very well. I started to not feel. A simple answer that met all my current needs. This was not without cost (this is were God gets you). There only seems to be one electrical box and if you hit the master switch it all turns off. Every emotion. Desire, passion, humor are difficult to live without. Sadness and mourning are lost. This is a karma kind of aspect.

You cannot have one without the other. Happy/Sad, Love/Hate, Pain/Pleasure. I turned off what I thought was a burden but is truly a gift. I now know that I must keep myself full. I had to find a spring to fill myself from. This is a theoretical spring. Of course God tells you what it is you need but I failed to listen.

My spring is really amazing. The flow is incredible. It contains the artwork of O’Keefe and Seurat. The flowers of my garden. Cats that sleep on my head. A really great book. The sounds of Art Tatum. Incredible friends. The advice of a five year old. Church choir. The taste of lemon. Prayers being answered or not. Giggles. Cooking and baking for friend and those I love.
My spring now also includes writing. I am not Hemmingway or Walker. Honestly, I could give a rip what anyone thinks but I think, I write and I feel the spring is cool and my color is deep, rich and vibrant again.

Teenage pregnancy, BBC and I am ever so simple

Another teenage pregnancy! Dear Lord you know this never happens in the United States! No one who is unmarried participates in sex. The only time anyone has sex is when in a traditional marriage for the purpose of procreation.

We all know that this is not true. We all know that hormones will bring on feelings that are almost beyond control.

I have now embraced the BBC for my news needs. Why use the foreign press? Because there is no need for left or right politics, for the most part I read the facts only the facts. This article on Bristol Palin was about so much more please read it if you are so disposed.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7593735.stm

Did you look at the numbers? 750,000 American women between 15 and 19 will give birth in one year! This is not a left or right issue this is simple fact. This is an American issue.

My next question is why the press and everyone will not leave this young woman alone. I agree that this is a family issue no more no less. Bristol has been forced into the center of the fray. A young man who is a senior in high school is about to be married and also forced into the lime light of the public. In the best of cases this would be difficult but add politics to it and you have a real mess! The statistics are against Bristol and Levi. Good luck to them!

As for my political view of all this it causes me to wonder…. I do that a lot of late not having a job and all.

First, if Obama’s daughter had become pregnant in the same situation what would the response have been? Would the fact that she was African American play into it? Would that have brought forth the question of welfare mothers and absent black fathers? Would we look with pity, righteousness or disdain as a country.

Second, I wonder and hope to be proved wrong but is Bristol a calling card for the conservatives in America? Is Palin’s son another issue to bring the religious back to the republican fold? Was this a way for McCain to engage those conservatives that have doubted him? I am ever so jaded these days.

And finally, does this fervor actually have anything to do with what matters this election year? Again I find that he have slipped into culture and not into the viable running of our country. Let me throw out some ideas to report and to respond too

Iraq
Employment
National Debt
Infrastructure
Healthcare
Energy
Housing crisis
Environment (I like clean air and water)
I ask that we skip news on Bristol. Please skip the news on why it is best to be Christian. Pro-life or Pro-choice that isn’t an issue to base an entire campaign and vote on. I am selfish I want to stay in my home, work, pay taxes, enjoy my faith and not be scared to take a deep breath or have a glass of water! I am ever so simple. Now can we get our leaders to be that simple? Simple I crack myself up at times.

The big easy, Christian morality and $5.7 billion a year in interest alone!

Once again the U.S. faces another hurricane (Gustav) landing on land in Louisiana that has yet to fully recover from hurricane Katrina. The big easy has not had it too easy of late. Then we have the political conventions… an organized party that requires one or even no ballots. This is not new for either party. In the decades of the conventions there have been maybe a dozen that required more than one ballot. It really isn’t very exciting. I watch because it is my duty as a registered voter but I always feel that something is lacking.

I find that I am tired of 10-second sound bites. I am tired of 30 to 60 second advertisements that are about who will and won’t increasing taxes, Christian morality, abortion and are you a real American. Okay I am about these issues but I have some more burning issues that I want answers too.

First lets talk about this conflict in Iraq. It has been called a war but if I remember correctly from my history and political science classes there was not a formal declaration of war. The President goes before a joint session of congress and asks to declare war. Then again it has made for interesting names of war. I am sure you remember “Police Action” and “Armed Conflict”.

These words sound ever so much more pleasant than war. I am sure that the American soldiers who served in Vietnam agree. The 8,700,000 who served and the 153,000 wounded, the 58,200 killed and the 1,900 missing in action are sure that the verbiage was exceptionally important. Please do not forget the North Vietnamese Army that lost over 1 million soldiers.

What ever your opinion of Iraq we are there. There is no turning back at this point. I want our soldiers home I will not lie about this fact. I also do not want to leave a gaping vacuum in the Middle East. I also DO NOT WANT TO INCREASE THE NATIONAL DEBT!!!!!

Did you know that the current debt is $9.5 trillion that is roughly $31,600 per capita? Now what if we are paying simple interest of 6% on the debt that is $5.7 billion a year in interest alone. Do you see a problem with this?

Let me add what countries we are in debt too. Yes they are owners of this debt. Let’s look at the numbers (these numbers are in billions)!

Japan 592, China 502, United Kingdom 251, Brazil 149, Luxembourg 84, Hong Kong 63
and let us not forget Russia at 60. Do not think that we will not sell ourselves to poorer counties India owns 10.5 of our debt. I have not heard that in a sound bite have you? Add to this that the Congressional Budget Office estimates that the war in Iraq will cost $2.4 trillion dollars by 2017.

HELLO this is an issue! I really haven’t a desire to see a sushi restaurant were the Lincoln Memorial once stood!

Now lets add unemployment. No one wants to be unemployed even now it is more important. If some one does not work they do not buy. You cut back. Now you have spread your lack of dollars to others. Local business suffers, service industries suffer, and there is no one paying taxes! You remember taxes they will cover the 5.7 billion in interest that must be paid this year. It is like in our real lives make your minimum payment but you will never pay off the debt…. Well maybe in 4 million years of minimum payments the federal government will be debt free? Of this current debt of course, but the government cannot not borrow another dime and hopes that no one calls in any of these loans….

My last concern for the candidates is infrastructure in the grand U.S. of A. You know those simple things we take for granted. Roads, bridges that do not collapse, water that is free of multiple bacteria, viruses and genetic altering pollutants. Lets add safe waste disposal and parks. I would really enjoy equal access to education and healthcare.

Now back to the acceptable subjects of the elections year.

Taxes! I am sorry people but bills must be paid so prepare your self for taxes. No way around it and if you are one who thinks “those people” need to get off welfare you should do a little research on where your tax dollars go.

Family values and Christianity… Isn’t it funny that this country was founded by a group of people who left their country to worship freely? The puritans left England so that there was a separation of church and state. You do know that Queen Elizabeth is the head of the Church of England? This is not a country of conservative Christians. It is a country of many faith and beliefs. This is not going to change and no one came make everyone the same. You may want it that way but it just isn’t going to happen!

Abortion, this is a highly emotional issue. I appreciate all aspects of this. This is a deeply religious and faith based issue. I will never say to someone do or don’t have an abortion. I do trust that a woman in this position would look to herself, her pregnancy and her faith for an answer. Will I dictate her choice no? Will I dictate mine choice? Yes, I will.

A real American?

According to Article Two of the Constitution a Presidential candidate must:
be a natural-born citizen of the United States;
be at least thirty-five years old;
have been a permanent resident in the United States for at least fourteen years.

So lets look at McCain and Obama

McCain Born in Coco Solo Naval Air Station Panama Canal Zone
Obama Born in Hawaii

McCain Twice Married
Obama Married

Education
McCain U.S. Naval Academy
Obama Occidental, Columbia, Harvard Law School

Religion
McCain Southern Baptist upbringing Episcopalian
Obama United Church of Christ

Net worth
McCain 40 million
Obama 1.3 million

Years in public office
McCain 27 years
Obama 10 years

They both qualify as Americans! Both are Christians. Both are educated. Both have some money in the bank. Both are married and have children. Who knew?

What I do not need is a sermon from candidates about their faith. I have a pastor for sermons. I do not need a slick ad on television telling me the faults of candidates...I am not referring to their political faults or political values but “they” are not this that and the other. I do not need a 10 second sound bite to tell me anything. My issues are many in this election and I want some answers! No platitudes, please give me facts!
Sigh….maybe the religious right is correct. We need a God fearing man who is also in command of tremendous faith. With the mess our (yes Americans) personal lack of responsibility, racism, religious zealousness and lack of compassion have lead us to we need an out and out miracle to get out of this mucked up mess of a government! Funny I thought that intellect, negotiation and wisdom would lead my government which came from the inner faith and strength of the elected officials. So naïve….

I have been watching more television, girl’s clothing and self love

Something has really been pissing me off! Wait for it… Wait for it…..

Nutrisystem, I know that this should be benign but I have been watching more television than usual lately. Nutrisystems commercials cause me serious irritation!

Nicole states, “Look at me I’m in a size 2” “I finally did something I called nutrisystem and I lost 33 pounds” “this is the first time I could put on a swim suit and not felt self conscious”

Before you say isn’t that great. Good for her! Wow that is amazing! Let me share some of my insights with you.

A size two measures as
Bust 33.5 inches
Waist 25.5 inches
Hips 35.5 inches

I know you are thinking so what? What does that mean? Let me add a little more information. Girl’s clothing is listed from 7 to 14.

A girl’s size 14 measures as
Bust 32 inches
Waist 26.5 inches
Hips 34 inches

Did you notice a three-inch difference? What womanly curves Nicole must have being a size two! I know that obesity is A BIG HUGE F@&!#^$%* deal in American!!! I know that I fight with weight daily. Why must the viewing public be shown extremes?

The average American woman is a size 12
Bust 38.5 inches
Waist 29.5 inches
Hips 40 inches

Unless this woman is 4’11” I really can’t see why she would be moved to be a size 2.

My next concern is once you stop eating the special food with the additional 7 breakfasts, 7 lunches and 7 seven dinners do you blow up again? In Nicole’s case will she return to a size 6 or dear Lord even a size 8? The sympathy I have for poor Nicole is beyond measure! Because I haven’t any sympathy for her… not one bloody drop!

Why not show me a woman who is a size 20 and gets to a size 12? That might move me to pick up the phone. Who really wants to look like a little girl after 12 years of age? I guess there is a special set of men who enjoy that kind of thing but in most cases they have broken laws or been on Dateline caught in an undercover sting operation.


Life as a realistic, intelligent and independent woman in America is beyond challenging. Now I am being programmed to be a size 2. That would be fine but then the next commercials are for some kind of food or food product. What is on the dollar menu at McDonalds or Burger King? The Sonic commercials with some kind of deep-fried cheesecake bites. Dove ice cream bars… the list is endless.

How about exercise? No special foods. No magic pills. I want to feel good about me but I must understand the long term and how to get there and stay there! I am going to the gym. I am eating better and I am loosing weight and inches. It will take a long time for me to reach my ideal if I get there at all. BUT this is work, this requires focus and it also requires some self-love. Do I love myself? No not so much. Am I learning to like myself? Yes, and I do not need Nicole, nutrisystem or Sonic for me to like who I am.

Posts, Reader Digest version and a meager job market

I am sorry that I have not posted. I have had posts and communication asking what the hell is wrong! To be honest I have not done much of anything. Why, you may wonder? What could BCarol have been up too all this time?

I will give you the Reader Digest version

Unemployed (yes still and let me tell you it is a meager job market)

My aunt became critically ill (she was incoherent for several days and lost kidney function for over a week). She has now recovered kidney function and is recuperating slowly but steadily.

Then… My cousin suffered a series of strokes due to a brain disease. She had brain surgery. The prognosis is not good. I kept my cousin 6-year-old daughter for over a week. I live with three cats. I survived and the cats honed their skills of stealth. In fact I was impressed. No one was scratched, bitten or became furless.

Then… My father had heart surgery. He is doing exceptionally well and his recovery was quick!

All of this transpired within a six-week window. Sooooo now that I have some kind of life again and have slept for a week I am ready to write again! Now what to write about… Something I have been reflecting on recently.

My home, the mortgaged estate is my center of being. I thought why am I so centered on walls and floors? I could not figure out why if I do not find a position that I am so worried about loosing my house. There are other houses.

It occurred to me THIS IS MY HOME. My mother and father divorced after 40 years of marriage. He decided that he wanted to marry his mistress. Fine for him I am full-grown, educated and healthy do what you must father.

However, for me it meant the loss of a home. My mother sold the house she received in the settlement and then moved in with her sister. It was a wise choice on her part and good for both. She sold the furniture that I did not take (it really does look lovely in my home). She liquidated almost everything. Now there is nothing left… No more are there Christmas or Easter dinners. You are an adult when you can truly never go home… I have no home.

I purchased a house and then began making it my own.

I had a blessing ceremony and the house was filled with friends. I found that when people visited they were relaxed and stayed. I enjoyed cooking and mixing medicinal beverage for them. I made my own home. My own traditions! Not the conformist home but one where it is warm, welcoming and peaceful. I have a great vibe here! I have positive emotions here. I have friendship, love and peace. I do not want to leave it!

Before you think that I have slipped into some kind of self imposed hyper sentimentality I will give you actual examples.


I found when the six-year-old was here I gained additional children. You can win the world with grape juice and hot dogs on the grill. My deck became the hot spot for Star Wars play, play-doh and the feeding of fish in the water feature. Maybe I could be Donna Reed? Don’t think so!





I have given splits of perennials to friends. I have plants in my park that were splits from plants of friend’s grandmothers. I believe that this is good karma. Why else could everything in the park look like this? I think that I may have found my sanctuary and do not wish to loose it.

I pray that God will be kind and that I will soon find my way to continue Zen, happiness and gainful employment. If you can spare a positive thought send it up and out for me. I wish to live here and continue my traditions, my gardens and my life.

Cougardom, fuming mad and why I lost my Christian

Irritated, fuming, mad, outraged, livid, furious and seething. I work with all due diligence not to let the worst of my emotions to surface in a negative manner. I am capable of an intense temper that I have worked many years on keeping in check. I find that I am loosing that learned ability. Why you ask? Many reasons but today after a long hiatus from blogging I BCarol will share.

First for those of you who wonder about my Cougardom I have focused all my energies on the employment hunt. I find that my mental focus is on gainful employment that will meet with my mental, emotional and monetary needs. I have come close to finding this gainful fulfillment. Please send BCarol any positive energy you have! I am in need.

Now for my anger! First as you know I am unemployed and was released due to my inability to care for my direct reports and my helplessness to increase income by double digits. I could not argue about the increase in income. It did not happen, it is not going to happen and unless there is a radical recovery within the U.S. of A’s economy it ain’t going to happen anytime soon. Sad but all tooooo true… May I also add that I knew that the economic indicators have been predicting this for some time (for about three years)? I was called negative and not pulling the company line.

A rule from my gram... Wanting ain’t getting. I am not at the least angry about this what pisses me off? The shared fact that I did not care for my people. I was heart broken and left feeling as if a pair of stilettos had danced across my individual worth. I had moved beyond that until I heard from staff after weeks of no communication. What did I find out? What could set my even keel demeanor into a tailspin? Simple the conclusion that my former reports thought that I blamed them for my dismissal and that I was angry with them? Me, angry with them? I thought that I was a deficient person that they wanted gone.

If you want me gone simply fire me. If you do not like my work, my intellect, my style, my personality, my ability to use words that are not monosyllabic, my culture, my directness, my non-conformist attitude and my ability to be proactive instead of reactive so be it. Do not lie to me or play both ends against the middle to gain personal power, prestige or an inept feeling of superiority. My being on this earth cannot take away or add to someone’s personal value and worth. If you want to be respected, loved or promoted you earn it.

Some have been hurt by this and I hope for their healing and positive forward momentum. Also, I am working on forgiveness to those who blatantly lied to me. Good thing that I have medicinal vodka based beverages and a solid faith…

Ah, faith is the second part of my lividness. Church. I really enjoy my church. It is my haven for reflection and putting faith in the everyday. Wow, what a concept! I mean acting with Christian values daily. Well today I lost my Christian in church. Why dare you ask?

First there is a male of the species (I will refer to him as HWSNBN) that I have written about in some detail in my past blogs. HWSNBN also attends the same church. I have since given up on him in a friendship or a romantic vein. Personally I think he is in need of some kind of direction and hasn’t the ability to follow it to some kind of positive conclusion.

Today I walked into church to my usually pew to sit. I know there are not assigned seats in a church but for the most part we all have a general area we sit in during service. I found that the pew of my choosing had been taken. How odd I thought. Five years and I always sit alone in the first pew on the left hand side. Only to find the ex-wife of HWSNBN usurped my space.

Let me add a little detail to this. The ex-wife and HWSNBN have been divorced for sometime. The ex-wife has decided that she made an error in divorcing HWSNBN. The ex-wife rarely if ever attend church with HWSNBN she attend a church of a different denomination. Suddenly the ex-wife started attending any event at my church. How odd I thought. She would bring their children all of whom are grown. She would follow HWSNBN in anything that he would do. If you saw HWSNBN you had the ex-wife too.

I asked if there was a reconciliation in the works only not to be answered by HWSNBN. Okay dude good luck and SEE YA!

Alas, the farewell is not going well in fact I am really pissed off! Why? This woman and I use the term loosely (I am a woman, intelligent, independent, able to create original thought and to understand that action does have consequences) has chosen me to be her new friend. Since I do not seek her company she manages to find me and plant herself as closely as possible. I must undergo her marking her territory (HWSNBN). I am forced to watch her simpering and adolescent attempts to win back the love of her life. I wish her luck in fact if you can attain it good for you. Did I mention that HWSNBN seems repulsed if he is anywhere within three feet of her? Talk about a fucked up mess from two adults over the age of 50. Life is short. Get together or don’t just leave me out of it.

I ask that you stay out of MY pew. I am never going to like you. It has little to do with your choice of mate but in your abilities. Intellect…not so much, being aware of your emotional worth…clueless, the cause in effect of your actions…would require forward thinking, and finally when people walk away from you or you can disperse a room of people by your presence it is time to reevaluate your appeal. Now leave me the hell alone. In fact avoidance would be very helpful so that I can find my peace of mind, my Christian and new employment!

Strangely, I feel ever so much better!

outside the preverbal box, older woman and a push-up bra (the girls need to be seen)

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lost my job, 15 years and regretted sex

Another great day for BCarol...before you think why would this be a great day let me add that I have lost my job. For most of you I am sure you would find that great cause for alarm but for me I have found it soothing like a long soak in a wonderful hot tub of water. Something you ease yourself into… slowly but then is all comforting.

Why this reaction from a woman who cries and needs control? As I have stated in my blog the last 15 years have left me longing for something that I was not sure existed. I stood up took a deep breath and took care of me first! Yes, me. No more self-deprecation. No more suffering for others. No more measuring myself by the happiness that I could give others. Shit! I have wasted years caring for those who could care less about me or anything but themselves.

Here I stand-alone! No, for once I am not alone. I am so far from alone that it is beyond measure. I have friends who are supporting me. I have a church family that has been feeding my soul often. I have a God who is giving me direction. I sat far too long unable to move. God will give you a push when you needed it. God kicked me in my ass HARD and now here I stand mentally healthier, thinner and spiritual. What next? What to do? Where to go?

I would like to stay in my house. I really do love my house. As we all know selling it in this economy would be almost impossible. There are locations within a commutable distance to work at. However, if I am meant to leave so be it. Nothing I can do but move forward.

For those I worked with who needed me gone it is a good thing for them. I hope that they find what it is they are lacking, feel safe and make their goals and aspirations. I still see many challenges and up hill battles but I do know that they only acted on what was best for them. It is all good and I hope and pray for there success. May they have all that they deserve.

I thought that I may have been riding a barge down the river de’nile. I had a long talk with my pastor. I have not been drinking. I have not chased men for wild nights of regretted sex nor have I screamed and felt bitter. I have worked in the park, have cleaned my sun porch so I can read, have cared for the koi and still sing in the choir and attend church. I am not even stress eating. How can this be?

Personal acceptance, personal forgiveness, and something called unconditional love. You must practice it to receive it. I recommend to all practice it and see what happens. Before you think well isn’t she all to healthy I know that there will be some dark days ahead. I mean come on who am I to think I am above such things. I am not BUT I have a strong foundation. I have the world looking for that new position. I have a little money in the bank. Now I walk into the sun out of my preverbal hut I was hiding in and let the sun warm my hands and face. I blink often because I have not looked up in so very long.

Wow, life can be amazingly beautiful. I hope that I can find my way. Unfortunately direct routes are not given… It must be a God thing. Lord may my ears be open to your direction I do not know how many kicks in the ass I can take…

Bobbie Brown, a walking cornucopia and green darkness

I am a homeowner! Well that is rather misleading. I have a signed my name more than Bobbie Brown has DUIs BUT for all intensive purpose I am renting from a bank and am in charge of the upkeep of my personal mortgaged estate. I like the term mortgaged estate. The term makes it all seem strangely elegant in a regency short of way.

I spent the last two days in the park (sounds better than yard). I tended the water feature. What would an estate be without a fountain? All in all I am gratified by this! I however cannot lift my arms over my head and putting on a bra was beyond difficult. I see many minutes in the hot tub this evening.

Back to the park. I have been told by many that I have a proclivity for making things grow before you think how hard is that allow me to explain. I am mother earth and bring forth fertility and bounty. I am a walking cornucopia. This all started with house plants. I can grow a forest in a pot. I had a poinsettia that lived for five years and grew to the size of a small tree. It would also turn red but only in July. Maybe it was like me bucking the system set in place to keep us moving in a timely and acceptable fashion? Fight the Powers that Be!!

I have a lovely water feature. This started while watching Home and Garden TV. I watch a program on how to build your own back yard “Water Feature”. I call it the pond. This sounded relatively easy. I could get a kit for $160, some gravel, a little sand and you are good to go. Alas, if you watch such television I advise you to ignore the project. All I will add is nothing is that simple. It wasn’t anywhere near simple. Let us not forget cost. The cost is never ending.

After sever back breaking labor and the help of friends who did not a have a clue about a water feature (ignorance loves company) I heard the sound of water from the wonderful nozzle head of the fountain. Ah, so lovely sitting on the deck looking at the 6’x6’ 5’ deep pond. Ah, what joy? Did I stop there? No, that would have been too much like right. I then found the dark side…water gardening.

I first thought lily pads would be lovely. Yes, Lilies. I jump on the internet and find all varieties of aquatic plants. I invest in a basket, clay and more rocks and planted a lily. It thrives does well and blooms all the time. Yeah! How hard can this be?

Then there came the sickness. The green darkness... Green pea soup water. What had I done wrong? How could my bastion of peace and clearness turn into mucky backwater? What to do? Ah, too much sunlight (like I can stop that small fact) and nitrogen. What to do? Back to the internet… plants… float plants lots of them. Water lettuce, water hyacinths and duck weed… We have moved to murky from pea soup. Now add a few bacteria.

Yes, bacteria, there is good bacteria that is required to keep ones water feature pristine. Once weekly I make a brown sludge and dump it in. I am now in water feature euphoria. Still the dark side beckons. What else could a single woman with three cats need? Fish.

I went to Walmart picked up three inexpensive fish and dropped them in. They lived except one. His lost was greatly felt. I buried him under my cucumber plant. The plant did very well. To go with the mother earth theme this one plant supplied three families with cucumbers for a summer. Still something amazing happened in the spring. I moved from having two fish to having seven fish. Again back to the internet. How could this have happened? I may not date a lot but I know how it happened.

Now I have seven fish that was at the end of October last year when I winterized the pond. Guess what happened? I know you will never guess I will tell you. MORE FLIPP’N FISH BABIES! Now mind you I have nothing against proliferation but why is it that my fish are getting more than I am? Heavy Sigh…I am now moving back to my normal calm state of being.

I then went back to the internet and found a plan for a new mechanical filter. A mechanical filter is an underwater device that can cost hundreds of dollars. I constructed mine for about $50. A file crate, lava rock and some sponge material and you have got a 2200 gallon mechanical filter. This keeps the water clear, assists the healthy bacteria and filters fish waste (I have large amounts of fish poop). I could have gone bigger but to be honest I do not want clear happy water. I think it give my fish ideas! Gee, I wonder if this is all incestuous in the pond? Moving on…. This is rather disturbing.

You may ask what next for the mortgaged estate of BCarol. Easy I will move onto herbs. All herbs will be of a legal variety and fragrant…assorted mints, basil, lavender, and other herbs. They will look lovely in the new herb bed with the lilac, morning glories and moon flowers… my own little garden of BCarol. Wouldn’t the bank be ever so proud of their estate?

The Zodiac, a 1968 'Cuda and is this really science?

I have a good friend who enjoys astrology signs. She states that astrology is not great about predicting the future but does lead to insight of a person’s personality… Soooo me being the person I am I opened up the internet and this is what I found. SPOOKY and I do not mean in a Shaggy and Scooby kind of way!

I found this at
http://mizian.com.ne.kr/englishwiz/library/names/zodiac/capricorn.htm
Please feel free to check out your Zodiac. Who knows what you may learn! The entire description of a Capricorn follows my mad ranting…

“There's no such think as a typical Capricorn female.” YEAH!!! Someone agrees that I am not typical. When you think BCarol typical is not the first thing that jumps to mind. I thought that it was me but I will now place all blame on a science (is it a science) that remains in question. Ah, to put blame on something that will not fight back! I have assisted with a large charity ball, have volunteered at a museum and am a certified literacy instructor for adults. This is getting even spookier. Yikes, Scooby Doo where are you!?!?

“She can be ultra-feminine, flirtatious and charming enough to make a man feel like a giant grizzly bear who can protect her from the cold, cruel world. Or she can be icy, quiet and aloof, sitting securely on her marble pedestal and challenging you to be clever enough to win her superior hand.”

Ultra-feminine? Is this a super hero quality or is that super heroine? Flirtatious? Charming? Okay… I find myself to be rather vociferous and direct. Do I have charm? Let’s look it up. What was life like before Merriam-Webster?

Main Entry: 1fem·i·nine
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1: female 1a(1)
2: characteristic of or appropriate or unique to women
3: of, relating to, or constituting the gender that ordinarily includes most words or grammatical forms referring to females
4 a: being an unstressed and usually hypermetric final syllable bof rhyme : having an unstressed final syllable c: having the final chord occurring on a weak beat music

Main Entry: charm·ing
Function: adjective
Date: 1634
: extremely pleasing or delightful : entrancing
— charm·ing·ly \-miŋ-lē\ adverb

Main Entry: flir·ta·tious
Function: adjective
Date: 1834
: inclined to flirt : coquettish

I am ultra-woman “here I come to save the day ultra-womans on her way”. This is not working for me. Pleasing and delightful? Sounds good. If you know me and have perceived me as the previous would you be so kind as to tell me. In addition, I would also like to know when I was pleasing and delightful. As for flirtatious be honest and also share that information. I have this mental picture of long following hair, a pink dress, gardenias a veranda and a love struck beau sitting at my feet. Hmmm, not so much I think. Then again anything is possible in America!

“There's nothing flashy about the Capricorn female. You'll certainly never see her loudly or obviously pushing and shoving for first place; you may even think she's docile enough to contentedly take a back seat to her competition. Wait. See who gets the promotion.”

Now this I agree with! I am not obvious about being first. The truth is that if that is your only value in life you have more issues then you realize. I work for a person and to be honest her need to be number one at any cost is really embarrassing. She manages to alienate ever person she speaks too. It is almost like watching a yappy dog trying to be the focus of all attention. Also, what do you gain by being number one at all cost? Will the world stop spinning if you took a break and watched and observed? No, I think not. Ambition is good when used in moderation and with insight.

I enjoy being the center of attention but only with the people who I choose and enjoy. Alas, if you are slow, mundane, dull witted or lackluster just go away and save your feelings and my time.

“One of the most typical and delightful things about this woman is her natural breeding and grace of manner. You can meet a Capricorn girl who was raised in a one-room shack across the railroad -tracks, or whose father works the swing shift in a coal mine, but unless she decides to reveal her background (which she probably won't), you'll be convinced she comes from an old-line family, and was turned out by one of the best finishing schools. Such is the Capricorn built-in sense of social grace and conservative, conventional appearances.”

I have been told that I can be a classy and well mannered. I can also swear and drink like a sailor. Maybe I am a sailor that enjoys good vodka strait while reading Chekhov? Even that is too odd for this world of mine. I might be a plot for a David Mamet play. I smell Tony… My appearance is conservative but always tasteful and showing my best attributes. The foundation of this always starts with a great pair of heels!

“The truth is that she's subject to many moods. All women are subject to moods, you say, but the Capricorn girl can have some really black and long-lasting ones. If she feels mistreated or unappreciated, she'll brood for days, weeks, even months. She calls it being sensible or practical, but Saturnine gloominess, pessimism and depression are much more deeply rooted than that. They're triggered by fear of the future, worry about the present, shame over the past-or a suspicion that she's being made fun of or is inadequate in some way.”

I have admitted it in earlier blogs I have issues. Many, many, MANY issues. I am okay with that. Why you ask? How can this ambitious, classic woman be okay with her deep dark moods and self-deprecation? Easy, therapy, chemicals for better living (GOD BLESS DuPont), good friends and an occasional vodka based beverage.

“It's hard for her to relax in romantic situations. There's plenty of physical desire under the cool Capricorn surface, far more than most people suspect, and it's never satisfied casually.”… “once she's decided you're the right man and the finances are secure or your ambition is sufficient, shell be as warm as a cuddly panda, affectionate, and even passionate.” I do not relax in a romantic situation simply because they happen so rarely. I am not sure when I am in a romantic situation. It really dissuades a man if you ask him is this a romantic situation? Yes or no? I want to make sure that I respond in a correct manner. This seems to be a real turn off to men and a deal killer too. Ah, Capricorns are practical are they not?

What is this “even passionate”? I am very passionate. I can purr like a ‘cuda (1968 Convertible 7.2L V8 Color In-Violet) when so moved. It just takes the right inducements. Then again all things worth running hard are worth the effort and the cost of fuel. My, my that is euphemistic.

What this all comes down to is an interesting exercise in something that really doesn’t matter one iota. My question, do you match up or is this one coincidence in my research on the World Wide Web? Could it be that the stars can predicted something anything? This I will merit further thought from in my hot tub while watching the stars above. It is still more than likely crap BUT I do love to watch the night sky.

So she got up and walked about- rather stiffly just at first,
as she was afraid that the crown might come off:
but she comforted herself with the thought
that there was nobody to see her, "and if I really am a Queen," she said,
as she sat down again, "I shall be able to manage it quite well in time."

There's no such think as a typical Capricorn female. She can be a museum curator who wears granny glasses for real, or she can be a dancer who wears a glittering G-string for fun. You'll see her crisply running a suburban P.T.A., frying hamburgers in a coffee shop, or organizing the biggest Charity Ball in the city. A Capricorn woman may decorate the society columns, smile demurely behind a political candidate husband or pour mysterious liquids into test tubes. But whatever she's doing and whatever she's wearing, Saturn will rule her actions and her secret aims.

She can be ultra-feminine, flirtatious and charming enough to make a man feel like a giant grizzly bear who can protect her from the cold, cruel world. Or she can be icy, quiet and aloof, sitting securely on her marble pedestal and challenging you to be clever enough to win her superior hand. Whichever personality she projects, underneath her womanly wiles or her practical, sensible manner, she has the same goal-a steely determination to snag the right man, who can become important, make her proud and be a good father to her children.

So many Capricorn women are career girls; you might think love and marriage would always be a second choice. With love, you have a point. With marriage, no. The thing to understand is that the Capricorn goals are security, authority, respect and position. It makes little difference if these needs are supplied in front of a blackboard as a school teacher, behind a desk as an executive, or beside an ambitions husband whose social life and home she can manage with easy grace and careful planning. One way or another, the Capricorn woman will get her recognition. Some of them get it by writing books, lecturing, painting or composing music. It's surprising how many Capricorns of both sexes have unusual artistic talent. Perhaps it stems from an innate sense of balance and harmony, knowing what is pleasing and what is right or correct.

This is a little delicate, but even the Saturn females you find in burlesque theaters or engaging in the world's oldest profession (there will be only a handful) will end up by marrying the top comic or the theater owner in the first instance-or the wealthiest client in the second. The goat must climb. Whether the starting position is high or low, the top of the hill is where she finds the view more satisfying. There's nothing flashy about the Capricorn female. You'll certainly never see her loudly or obviously pushing and shoving for first place; you may even think she's docile enough to contentedly take a back seat to her competition. Wait. See who gets the promotion.

Don't be misled into thinking she'll never sacrifice her career for marriage. Just give this girl half a chance to be a social leader and the mistress of a well-run household, and you'll see how quickly she loses interest in her job (one of the few things she'll do quickly). If you need her to, the Capricorn woman will gladly continue working to help you climb up the mountain of success-she won't be lazy. Otherwise, however, she's happier enjoying her position as your wife, provided the position is a good one, and there's enough financial security.

One of the most typical and delightful things about this woman is her natural breeding and grace of manner. You can meet a Capricorn girl who was raised in a one-room shack across the railroad -tracks, or whose father works the swing shift in a coal mine, but unless she decides to reveal her background (which she probably won't), you'll be convinced she comes from an old-line family, and was turned out by one of the best finishing schools. Such is the Capricorn built-in sense of social grace and conservative, conventional appearances.

Any man who's involved in a relationship with the female goat should learn a basic fact about this Sun sign. She seems to be more even-tempered and emotionally steady than she actually is. Her manner may convince you that she's as firm as a rock and nothing can ruffle her calm surface. The truth is that she's subject to many moods. All women are subject to moods, you say, but the Capricorn girl can have some really black and long-lasting ones. If she feels mistreated or unappreciated, she'll brood for days, weeks, even months. She calls it being sensible or practical, but Saturnine gloominess, pessimism and depression are much more deeply rooted than that. They're triggered by fear of the future, worry about the present, shame over the past-or a suspicion that she's being made fun of or is inadequate in some way. These women do not accept teasing lightly. Keep it at a minimum. To be honest, they find it impossible to see the joke when they're the victims. You don't have to bury her in compliments constantly (she'll sense when they're insincere, anyway), but don't kid her about important matters, and praise her often enough to make her realize you know her true value.

It's hard for her to relax in romantic situations. There's plenty of physical desire under the cool Capricorn surface, far more than most people suspect, and it's never satisfied casually. Sitting around and wasting time with breathless hugs and ecstatic kisses while the future is still hanging unsettled is definitely not her favorite hobby-yet once she's decided you're the right man and the finances are secure or your ambition is sufficient, shell be as warm as a cuddly panda, affectionate, and even passionate. Capricorns don't believe in vague dreams that glide aimlessly through a misty, blue sky. They want to know where the ship of romance is taking them, and that it's sailing on safe waters. Build a firm foundation under your house if you plan to carry a Capricorn girl over the threshold. Make sure there's plenty of insurance and the mortgage is paid off or will be soon.

Shell probably be something of a social butterfly, extremely aware of etiquette, and she'll lean toward quaint customs like engraved napkin rings and needlepoint chairs. Things must be correct and tradition must be observed at all costs. She may have an inconsistent habit of wanting to shop in the most expensive, exclusive stores, yet insisting on a bargain. She doesn't mind buying a dress that's on sale, as long as it bears the right label.
Capricorn women have a fresh beauty of their own. You'll rarely find one who's not unusually attractive. Yet they are timid and unsure about their appearance, and you may find them needing constant reassurance that they're pretty. Although Capricorn females hate dishonesty in all forms, they're not above lying about their ages. They usually get away with it, too, thanks to the odd Saturn aging twist. They look like little old ladies as children, then bloom suddenly into women who look like young girls when they're past the prime of life.

It would be a terrible mistake to snub her family. The man who marries a Capricorn girl marries her relatives. There's no point in thinking that yours is different. She's not. Somewhere along the line, you'll stop laughing at mother-in-law jokes (you may cry instead). Many times, the Saturn female is the sole support of her family, financially or morally or both. She may care for an ill parent with devotion to the point of relinquishing the idea of marriage completely. Often, she'll enjoy the sacrifice because of her honest love for her family, but even if she resents it, her strong sense of responsibility and duty will not permit her to escape.

You might as well resign yourself to flattering your mother-in-law, and hope she's a great gal who's worth it. Don't argue politics with her father, and if you must criticize her brothers and sisters, see that the criticism is constructive, and based on a sincere belief in their potentialities. Frequently, Capricorns find themselves burdened with distressed or invalid relatives, and the typical goats will never let love, however consuming it might be, cause them to neglect such obligations. You'd better start right out by planning to have a guest room or two for visiting relatives. But there's a reverse benefit. You'll have a wife who is kind and considerate toward your own family.

The Capricorn girl will understand if you have to allocate a fixed sum to your parents each week, and she'll probably be a companion to your brothers and sisters. She's the kind of girl you take home to meet mother, and mother approves of her immediately. Since men are so contrary, such instant encouragement can cause them to back away. It's always more fun to fight objections for your lady fair. But you'll only be slicing off your nose to spite your heart, because your mother is right.

The Capricorn girl, if she's a typical Saturn woman, will make an excellent wife. The home of a Capricorn woman often looks so effortlessly spotless and smooth-running you'd think there were little fairies and elves hiding in the comers, working away furiously after midnight to shine and polish and cook and clean. Wrong. The very last place you can expect to find such imaginary creatures is around a Capricorn. The Saturn practicality and faith in firm facts ordinarily precludes any sympathy with the unseen. A Capricorn girl wouldn't believe in leprechauns if one sat right on the tip of her nose. In all fairness, however, although she may not be a way-out dreamer or a follower of occult mysteries, once she has the solid facts she's able to see the romance and poetry in the most ordinary situations.
Hers is an earthy kind of beauty that can make even the gross and ugly seem lovely with sheer usefulness. She's not a stranger to the gypsy spell of the north wind, nor is she deaf to the silver song of spring showers and the call of a lonely skylark. Great music stirs her deeply, and she's an enchanted patron of almost any art form. Perhaps she has to see and touch magic to believe in it. A leprechaun would probably get much further with her if he came right out and said where that pot of gold is hidden, instead of hinting about it in fairy tales.

Most Capricorns save their rainbow thinking for history and heroic deeds of the past. Since she worships tradition, and reveres those who have overcome obstacles to gain success, it's easier for her to get sentimental over the Gettysburg address than to get enthusiastic over your latest wild scheme. Actually, she's a true romantic, with greater imagination than the scatterbrains with unreal fantasies. Every January girl has haunting poetry in her soul, but she doesn't have much sympathy for poets who starve in attics. Take care of the food and rent and then pursue the dream, whatever it may be, is the Capricorn motto. Also make sure that the dream is worth pursuing. She sees nothing glamorous or magical about failure.

You may have to share your Capricorn wife with causes. She'll be a tireless worker for the poor and the defenseless, but she may prefer to show her charity in group efforts, rather than to individuals. Saturnine sympathies are usually organized, seldom scattered. Female Capricorns are natural leaders of women's clubs.

She'll probably instill both thrift and a respect for quality in the youngsters. She'll teach them to "Eat it up, wear it out, make it do or do without." Still, they'll be served the best cuts of meat, and she'll buy them the finest make of shoes. To her, economy does not have to mean cheap.

The children will be expected to be polite to relatives and elders, and they'll probably learn excellent manners. They won't be pampered or allowed to willfully disobey. If you give her a book on child psychology, she may use it to paddle an unruly offspring and get around to reading it later. Sticky kisses may not be welcome, but few mothers are more devoted than the female goat. Her children will get a courteous listening ear. She may be a little strict and unsympathetic to their growing pains, but she'll be a fascinated audience for their achievements. The child who runs home from school and shouts, "Guess what I learned today," won't be ignored by the Capricorn mother, who will never be too busy to give her youngsters her interest and attention.

After they become teenagers, there may be a few barriers when the Saturn conservatism clashes with youth's liberalism. At this point, she may need some help in understanding her children's enthusiastic dreams. She may learn the hard way that she can't dictate their friendships and confine them to "acceptable" people. But she's intelligent enough to adjust and pull in her horns if it looks as though she'll lose more than she'll gain.
Since many Capricorn females have sensitive skin, they don't wear much make-up. Lots of them are allergic to it. But nature rewarded them with natural beauty that needs little gilding, and they'll keep it long after the roses have faded from the cheeks of other women. Some of them startle you with lovely complexions, firm features and bright eyes at the age of eighty and older.

Patiently help your Capricorn woman overcome her lack of personal confidence. She's not unimaginative just because she doesn't court delusion. Try on a couple of her practical dreams for size, and you'll find they're surprisingly comfortable. Stubbornness may be one of her vices, but she's not a whiner or a nervous nag. She'll push you toward success, yet be tender and devoted. In spite of her modest, often gentle ways, she'll know just how to twist you around her little finger. There's a deep richness in her love that's more lasting than the brittle, scorching, demanding love of other women. Who says she doesn't believe in fairy tales? Only a wise Capricorn maiden could look deep into the eyes of an awkward frog and see that he's really a prince in disguise. Not only that-if you marry her, you’ll never run out of clean socks.

A kick ass sound system, a million Chinese are starving and marriages end

Sometimes, I wonder about life in ways that leave me lost in thoughts that will never be answered. I know that there will always be the poor among us. I know that there will be disasters, greed, and loss of life. These are questions that I can no longer spend my time on. It will drive me to insanity and strife. Do not tell me that a million Chinese are starving but tell me that the family in my neighborhood is hungry I can do something about that.

I am reflecting on the thoughts of interaction on the smallest of human levels. I have watch marriages end, jobs lost and anger to cause division. When I drive about top down, warm sun on my skin and the best tunes playing my mind drifts to places that I would not consider at any other time. This is really disconcerting when you realize all I want is to be immersed in the joy of being.

I think that the empathic side of me will not allow such things. Before you say empathic who is she kidding! I am not. I have a gift/curse that causes people to share their intimate ideas, issues and problems. I have had total strangers tell me of their divorces, sexual issues, abuse and suicidal thoughts. I can be sitting in the library, book shop, doctor’s office, coffee shop or bar… It is something that I consider a gift but it can be damn draining! I have witnesses to this aspect of my life. Friends have asked why did that person just tell you that. I do not know. If I could bottle whatever it is I would so that those among us who feel the need to be social workers would have the upper hand.

I have never been married nor have I lived long term with a man. I am in no way able to comprehend what marriage entails. I do know that when relationships are strong the joy is immeasurable. HOWEVER, when things go wrong it is wretched and loathsome. This goes beyond white picket fences, the every day grind and sex.

My on going question is what happens? Where does the relationship go? Is there some kind of purgatory that swallows the relationship and only leaves the dregs of what once was? Can such joy fade into bitterness and oblivion? Does the joy leave never to return or can it be found, polished and lustrous again? I have watched in distress of late two people in different relationships that are about to come to the same end.

Within this end there is the fear of loneness, the want of vengeance and self failure. Add to that day to day of living. How could anyone actually wake up and look forward to another day? Where do you find the intestinal fortitude to live alone and find calm? I have watched two people looking passive and indifferent. The ease of numbness has become their friend, lover and being.

Numbness is not a life. Numbness does offer brief relief but has the effect of a relentless hangover after a night of intense indulgence. The taste is bitter, the colors dull and the sound deadening. The energy or lack of washes over me and I find myself in a state of anguish. I move to save myself from it all and step away. I know that if I were strong or a better person I would stand with these two but answers I do not have. I have nothing to add to this dilemma. All I can do is watch as the pain continues…

I smile briefly when I think of a song. Music always comes to mind (I have an uncommon ability to remember lyrics but cannot think of the safe combination to save my life).

It's sad to think, we're not gonna make it and it's gotten to the point where we just can’t fake it. For some ungodly reason we just won't let it die. I guess neither one of us wants to be the first to say good bye

I keep on wondering what I'm gonna do with out ya and I guess you must be wondering that same thing too. So we go on, go on together living a lie. Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say good bye

When it comes to saying good bye that's a simple word that I just cannot say
there can be no way, there can be no way this can have a happy ending so we just go on hurting and pretending and convincing ourselves to give it just one more try. Because neither one of us wants to be the first to say farewell my love, goodbye

I guess that covers it my wonderings of thoughts and a chemically challenge brain. What is there to do but say good bye and live in healing deafening silence. I will watch and hope that forward progress will mean relief. I cross my fingers and send out positive energy. I also sprinkle it all with prayer. I am not a God person but …

The top is still down, the music plays on, a kick ass sound system, cool shades and great bright red lipstick…. Just zooming along with lots of attitude and a dazzling smile... I am such a girl, woman, lady no make that hottie…. You just gotta live the dream!

Polly Anna, Moijtos and are you smarter than a fifth grader?

It is a Sunday. Unseasonably warm weather. Sunshine. A new dress and some killer new pumps! It is one of those days you can only dream of. I feel good from stem to stern from root to toot from top to bottom. What is so odd about all this is I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am one of those. You know the ones who while life is going good they wait for the bad news. The one who does not wish to feel good only because something bad will happen? It is coming… some kind of personal disaster or a comet hitting the earth or a dreaded incurable illness. I am now going to only think of the best. How could this be you ask? Little pessimistic me turning into of all things Polly Anna (- the bad dress and hair). Could it be? Sure. Yes it could why not. Who could be mistaken? BCarol is a wash in positive energy.

Why you ask… I took the plunge. Yes, I BCarol have been baptized. Now before you panic seeing me in an all white dress or being dunked in a lake or pool of water it was not typical. Nothing about me is typical and why should my relationship with God be typical?

First, I did not wear a white dress. A violet slip with a lace overlay in a pale brown with matching satin shoes (yes the heels were very high and all too cute). Second, I had a private ceremony with people in attendance who are individuals in many different ways. Thirdly, my music was all about me and I had one of the most talented musicians I know sing and play (she brought tears to my eyes damn she is good). I spoke of why I felt the need to take this step in my spirituals journey. A splash of water a little oil and there I was baptized!

Now before you think I have gone soft I did have a gathering afterwards. The repast included many enticing items and of course medicinal beverages. I think that my circle has found that a Mojito does have many healing attributes. One of my guests found that when she arrived home she felt relaxed, beguiled and romantic. Needless to say her husband now feels that I am an excellent influence and that I should have more gatherings of any nature! I do what I can….

Now back to the heart of the matter. I used the following quote in my remarks, testimony, ramblings… these religion things are sometimes so difficult to categorize. I look to one of my favorite books and quotes. The Color Purple "I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."

Okay so I said “piss” from the pulpit. Not one of those things I would have tired to do during a Sunday service. The blue hairs would have needed CPR and the squad. Now that I think about it I could have met a wonderful EMT who would have seen me at my best. Hmmm something to consider.

The point is that as self-absorbed beings we are walking by God’s work daily without any kind of recognition. We want miracles that rival the super bowel half time show. We want to vote on who should be the American Miracle Winner. We want to know if God is smarter than a fifth grader? People we are talking about omnipotence here. Do you think some one who can create the universe is limited by time and space or bows to our every whim? Do you think God is sitting around wondering if he/she/it is smarter than a fifth grader?

The point is God made us and has given us the tools to be better. More loving, understanding, compassionate, kind, embraceable, musical, lyrical the list goes on and on. Still we walk past the color purple without blinking. We ignore the sunset. We ignore the laugh of a small child or the wonder of a child’s view of something that seems insignificant but when viewed by new eyes is awe-inspiring.

God has been kind to give me ears to hear music that can bring tears or rapture. I have eyes to see pigment used to express beauty and alarm. I have touch that gives me pleasure and pain. It amazes me the gifts that I take for granted daily. My baptism now makes me responsible for this yes my relationship with God. Now I have a bond that cannot be broken for better or for worse (I feel that I will have the better of the deal).
All in all this has given me the Polly Anna I never was. Me happy for the right reasons! Me thinking it’s all good. Will there be challenges? Yes, many, all too many some very painful other will seem impossible. God will be there for me. I will scream and kick. I will argue and fight but amazingly God will let me throw my fits. God can handle it. Wow, who would want such a job? I have no clue but I am going to do my best to be worthy of outcome of such a position. I hope that all who read this will be equally as blessed!

A song that sings to me!

Walk Away Kelly Clarkstone
To all the women who are waiting and hoping, or sick or waiting or hoping, or are just tooooo fed up to care!

You've got your mother and your brother
Every other undercover
Tellin' you what to say (say)
You think I'm stupid
But the truth is
That it's cupid, baby
Lovin' you has made me this way
So before you point your finger
Get your hands off of my trigger
Oh yeah
You need to know this situation's getting old
And now the more you talk
The less I can take, oh
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away
I waited here for you
Like a kid waiting after school
So tell me how come you never showed (showed)?
I gave you everything
And never asked for anything
And look at me
I'm all alone (alone)
So, before you start defendin'
Baby, stop all your pretendin'
I know you know I know
So what's the point in being slow
Let's get the show on the road today
Hey
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
Just walk away
Just walk away
I wanna love
I want a fire
To feel the burn
My desires
I wanna man by my side
Not a boy who runs and hides
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
'Cause if you don't then just leave
I'm looking for attention
Not another question
Should you stay or should you go?
Well, if you don't have the answer
Why are you still standin' here?
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Just walk away
If you don't have the answer
Walk away
Just walk (walk) away
(Just walk away)
Then just leave
Yeah yeah
Walk away
Walk away
Walk away

Acid Trips, Prairie Dogs and foul smelling personal hygiene products

It has been some time since I have blogged. More crap has happened than the norm. We have all been there just when you think that you have reached a point of return you stick your head out of your hole like a prairie dog and then you are hit by a SUV. The SUV did not miss this little doggie. Only I for some unknown reason keep getting up and shaking it off. Dear Lord I have become Wile E. Coyote Super Genius. I am a living cartoon. If only I was as thin as Wile E.

I have moved into the land of children. I have been caring for a five year old who‘s mother is critically ill. This child is bright, verbal and beautiful. She also likes cats and they like her although they have taken to hiding under the bed. The child is not deterred by this she just crawls under the bed and drags them out. So far no biting or scratching on either’s part.

I have learned so much about being a mommy. First to all you moms are the unsung heroes of the world. How on earth do you get dressed for work and then dress a child? How do you manage to feed them? Then add cuddling, reading books, drying tears and unconditional love? YIKES!

Also this Sponge Bob Square Pants thing… I mean are the people who write this stuff stoned? There is a pet snail Gary that meows like a cat? Sponge Bob and Gary talk to each other by the way. Sandy Cheeks a squirrel from Texas who lives in a dome and walks around in a wet suit because she needs to breathe air. Did I mention that Sponge Bob has the hots for her? I think he has the hots how can you tell with a sponge that wears tighty whities? Sponge Bob has a job! He is a fry cook. How the hell can you be a fry cook under water? What is a Krabby Patty? In Bikini Bottom no one drive cars, did you know you can parallel park a boat?

I think okay I am good with this I will allow the child to enjoy this left over acid trip from the 60’s. Yet, I was to learn so much more. This Hannah Montana thing... She is a famous singer but no one knows her secret identity. Sure they don’t. What makes Hannah amazing is merchandising. I have been exposed to sugary foul smelling personal hygiene products. Shampoo, lip gloss, body wash, hand soap and a tooth brush. Now add to that apparel and you can spend thousands. If you are interested there is also a Hannah Montana wig for purchase for your lovely little girl. I have learned the word “No” and can resist whining. A mom gift that is given and thank God for it!

A few other things to know about the dining habits of the five year old:
Blue Box Macaroni
Pepperoni Pizza
Grape Juice
Pudding in little cups
Hot dog
Tater Tots
Apples if appropriately peeled and cut
Grapes
Blueberries
Ice-cream with sprinkles is a winner too


I then had to deal with the reality of all of this. The child’s mother is very ill and may not survive. It has brought home that the reality of life. My gram told me tomorrow is not promised. That tomorrow has a far reaching effect. Through a five year old’s eyes I have learned so much about life.

The dark is really scary to a child. For adults we are also frightened of the dark. I think of the dark as the unknown. Crying is necessary if you are sad, hurt or mad. We all need to cry more. A kiss can really make it all better. Cuddling is sometimes the best form of communication (you do not need to talk while you cuddle). Running and climbing is good for you. Early bed times are helpful to everyone (try it go to bed at 8:30 PM). Telling your mom you love her will make her feel better.

The wisdom of a child’s mind is without question. I am world-weary. I can reflect on things that I have not looked at in so long (I haven’t been five in a few decades). If I try really hard I can embrace what life has given me.

First let me thank the friends who remind me that there is nothing that I cannot do when I choose too. Yes, you are right (you can put that on your calendar). Okay, perhaps I am a good writer and I am very expressive. Yes, I am a beautiful woman (I am making a face as I type this but I am working on it). I do under estimate myself often but I am getting better. Yes, I know that if a man doesn’t realize how special I am kick him to the curb and move on (no matter how cute, perplexing or how good the sex is)! When you wipe away years of cynical viewpoint things look so much better.

I would recommend, cuddling, blue box mac and a little Sponge Bob. Make sure to find a child to help you. Trust me they will tell you when you are being sad, mean or a poopy head.

Pap Smears, The American Musical and Gummy Bears these are a few of my favorite things....

• A little bit more about myself. I find that many people look at me in stunned wonder. Admittedly these persons have little knowledge of the world as a whole but that would require reading, keeping up on current events and understanding the political system that makes the U.S.A so amazingly great.
  
  This all started with my love of South Park. Yes, I adore South Park. It is a show that is always in very bad taste and rude beyond belief BUT the irony is not lost on me. AIDS, race, age, religion, celebrity they really do not care but the show is honest in its ideas and response to any difficult issue. No one is safe from the four foul mouth children of this oddly animated show! I love it.
  
  Now you would think why would people look at BCarol in stunned wonder? Easy I also adore classical music, Nordstroms, Scooby Doo, opera, jazz, tiaras, good wine, Little Debbie Swiss Rolls, expensive handbags, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Big Lots, The Marx Brothers, Warner Brothers Cartoons, world history, politics and self absorbed trips to the salon.
  
  It occurred to me that I may be slightly off! I am the only person I know who would carry a vintage Louis Vuitton and push a cart at Big Lots at the same time. I really enjoy Big Lots. My own personal challenge to find things I really need and will use at Big Lots. Could this be a possible replacement for a current reality TV show? Louis is rolling no spinning in his grave.
  
  Now humor is another issue I can laugh at almost anything that is witty. I will openly admit that The Tasmanian Devil is not the height of culture but he is a great nemesis for Bugs Bunny. Taz’s best line “Why for you bury me in the cold, cold ground” is without equal. Daffy Duck after finding the pearl in an oyster “I am socially secure” and “I am a wealthy miser”. Talk about brilliant.
  
  Then add a little Groucho “Go, and never darken my towels again”, “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception” and "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit files like a banana. Simplicity in humor is not easy it is an art and a skill. Mind you the Marx Brothers were physical and immoral but again accomplished. If you have ever tried to be funny on cue you know and understand the skill shown in these movies. A Night at the Opera “everyone knows there is not such thing as a sanity clause”. Ain’t that the truth!
  
  Now add my love of theatre. I am not talking about Oklahoma! and Music Man. I know that many love these productions but honestly I rank them between a pap smear and a root canal. Give me Rent, Bring in 'Da Noise, Bring in 'Da Funk or Sweeny Todd for a musical. A strait play A Man for all Seasons, A Lion in Winter, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, The Iceman Cometh. I know a little heavy but I like my theatre full of angst and mind numbing pain. I am a director and I love anything that requires deep soul searching by an actor. Most of these will cause good actors teeth to hurt.
  
  Instead of running on and on I thought why not make BCarols’ list of what makes her happy! It may also explain the worlds perception of my rather odd tendencies There is no order to this just the ranting of a precariously balanced mind. Anyone who knows me you are ready for Birthday and Christmas!
  
  Gummy Bears
  Mozart’s Alleluia
  Patrick Stewart
  Diamonds and their History I love priceless jewels and unfortunately only royalty had any
  Shoes expensive or inexpensive (cheap)
  Hot dogs and Beer at the Ball Park
  The Motown Sound
  Patsy Cline
  Henry V The Kenneth Branagh Film
  Danger Mouse
  Children playing
  Courage the Cowardly Dog
  The Rack
  Rain on a summer day
  Drive In Movies
  A Bra that fits and is comfortable
  The History Channel
  Boots
  Silence
  Evening Dress
  Cooking for those I care about
  Sarah Vaughn
  My Garden
  Wine (should always be shared with good friends)
  Playing in the rain
  Lady Day
  Lust
  Courage the Cowardly Dog
  NPR
  Sandal Wood
  Kitties
  Turner Classic Movies
  The Federalist Papers
  O’Keeffe
  Big Lots
  Periwinkle
  Little Debbie Swiss Rolls
  Macaroni Grill
  Words
  Being told I am beautiful and it is honestly said
  The Stars through my telescope
  Electric Mattress Pad
  Jesse L Martin
  The perfect red lipstick
  Singing
  Vodka
  Christmas Lights
  Monet
  Nordstroms
  Laughing with good friends
  Mr. Darcy
  Bodies of water
  Warm sun
  My convertible
  Well worn blue jeans
  Cuddling

Punished, Financial turmoil and God's Grace

I have an especially valued friend. I have known her know for 12+ years. She has been there through illness, death, break-ups, personal disasters and so on… She is grounded in her faith, generous with her time and talents. All in all I think her exceptional. There has been an issue in her life that has caused her anguish. We all find ourselves in financial turmoil but for this friend it has never relented.

I heard for the first time that she felt that she was being punished by God. I was astonished! You? No not you! I look to you for all that is good in a person. You have faith, family and love. How on earth could you think that?

I like my blog for I can be honest without causing harm to those I write about or myself for that matter. I will refer to this friend as BFF easier that way. She met and fell honestly and earnestly in love with her current husband. They have shared 15+ years of a happy marriage. They are devoted. It is what I think of a marriage as being. So why would she be punished by God? BFF was married when she met her husband.

For me this is a raw issue. My mother and father divorced after 40 years of marriage. My father who taught me my values actually is an adulterer who married the “other woman”. I have many grave issues with this. It is not only my father’s choice but the stringent up bringing and expectations he had of me. I placed personal happiness as second, third or even fourth to the expectations of acceptable behavior. I carry feelings that with therapy and prayer I can accept but not completely forgive.

So why do I feel that BFF is different then my father? I am not sure and this has caused me great consternation. Both she and my father share the same transgression. Both have caused pain to their spouses. How can it be different? Is there forgiveness?

After serious thought and meditation I have come to some personal conclusions. While BFF did knowingly move forward into her relationship it did lead to some things that could not have happened without her decisions.

I read the bible on occasion. If made into a movie it would receive an R rating with ease. The bible has a long list of murder, lust, theft, adultery, coveting, betrayal, and vigilantly justice. This is stuff that the best or worst minds in Hollywood could not come up with. Looking into the good book I found King David, Reuben and Lot. Talk about sins… Still David was blessed by God.

I ask why is there or would there be reprisals from God? Is what happened wrong? Yes, without doubt. Is BFF marriage less because of this? No? Is she happy with her husband and is he happy with his wife? Yes. The injured husband involved is he suffering? No, he is remarried and has children and a solid faith/family foundation. I do not know God’s plan but I also know that all happens for reasons that are beyond our limited knowledge and understanding.

What comfort can I offer BFF? She can look to the Grace of God.

Job22:3 Is it any pleasure to the Almighty, that thou art righteous? or is it gain to him, that thou makest thy ways perfect?

BFF has God’s Grace by her own admission and acceptance of her actions and choices. Grace is not limited by good acts, good works or righteous intent. Grace is given by God and our reply is to maintain such a precious gift. My response is that before God and asking for that Grace you will still have triumphant and failure but you will also know that you do not walk alone in your life. Whatever lesson God is teaching you is not about your past but what lies ahead of you.

Faith is never easy or comfortable if it was everyone would have it. As we know many are choosing not to be capable of it. BFF has and will find her faith in hand and looking for relief as we all do.

A little Kirk Franklin, he always lifts my spirits

Looking For You

http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/--24670777

Influenza (the evil flu),my secret hidden dreams, tall, handsome and wickedly smiled

I have slept now for three days… have taken an antiviral… have a voice that would move me from soprano past tenor to baritone (I sound strangely like my father)… and still I feel less than stellar… I.E. I have influenza (the evil flu)…

Instead of remaining in bed to continue my recovery why not jot a happy little entry to my blog! I will see if my words will fail me or if I am coherent enough to even know what I am typing or is that word processing?

Last Friday I had the occasion to attend an event. Nothing new for me, I serve on many boards and go to some really great events and some… maybe great but not to my personal taste. On this occasion it was an incredible evening. I heard great music, had the atmosphere of Manhattan and beyond belief company.

First the music… in my secret hidden dreams I have always wanted to be a vocalist. I am not talking this pop stuff of today. I wanted to sing with the soul of Holiday, the timbre of Vaughan (Sassy) and the dexterity of Fitzgerald. Whenever I am in the environment I can close my eyes and dream. Okay, t’aint ever gonna happen but a woman can dream!

Drummer, two sax, keyboard, vocalist and off we went. I must admit that there were many standards but I like standards. Misty and At Last not cutting edge songs but when well done they always leave me wanting more and more. Now you may think that I did not enjoy the rest of the combo… NOT! I am just not as familiar with this set up…I study clarinet for decades. Let me stress studied. I am a true classically trained musician this means that I am unable to do anything that requires free thought. I am truly a square. Please do not tell anyone.

I know the sax was sweet in its sound and resonance nothing syrup like or to lull you into a diabetic comma. Just soothing…. something like a breeze of an on coming rain on a sizzling day. You want to close your eyes and absorb the coolness, the scent and the immediacy of it all. All this communicated to me through pitch and color. Then add piano that rode the crest of a melody and a percussion that kept the pace driven but never frantic. Ah, to appreciate those who have mastered their art. It seems all so simple and effortless but is no such thing…

The atmosphere was diverse in anyway you can name. Age, race, color, sex, dress, background this is what makes America tick! Add to this too many people in one room, those who came to listen, those who came to be seen, and those who like to have a great time. The lighting dim, the drinks strong (I had a touch of hangover) and no smoking (New York went smoke free). Oh, and the fact that I wore a dress that I could never wear any place else…too much décolleté but I had it on great authority that it was becoming.

Now add great company. A tall, handsome, wickedly smiled, well-dressed, intelligent gentleman...I earnestly mean the gentleman part. Doors opened, walk me to the door kind of gentleman. Now I came of age where men just didn’t do those types of things. I did not know how to behave and felt rather goofy? Silly? Giddy? Flighty? I am not sure what I felt but it was fantastic!

To any man reading this try it. As a female of the species I have a newfound respect for this aspect of men. Talk about a turn on. I thought a sharp mind was great but add a gentlemanly manner and I am yours! The things we learn about ourselves that we never knew existed. If the gentleman reads this I offer warm hearted and personal thanks for a extraordinary evening and the hope that I have the opportunity of this intimacy once more.

Alas, the flu calls me once more to slumber. This is a good thing to in all honesty I look and feel unprepossessing. Lets face it I am crap and it is best to sleep through it…. Snooooorrrrrr…..

Day to day living, tears of the purest rapture and the roots of faith.

I am an artsy type. I love music, dance and theatre. I had forgotten this aspect of my soul for some time. Why? Simple, it is day to day living. The kind of living that is demanded by our society. Living is that thing that grinds your ass to the bone daily. I do not blame society for this or my current position I blame myself. If my soul is to be fed it is my responsibility to do so.

Alvin Ailey Dance Company. Alvin Ailey... There are few words that I can use to describe the experience I had last week. Poignant, emotional, enthralling do not seem to carry the weight of what I felt and experienced. I was moved to tears. Tears of the purest rapture.

The rapture takes form from my past studies of music, dance and theatre. I understand that there are those who are proficient and those who are gifted, who are blessed. Some are truly touched by the hand of God. I am and hope to always be a capable director but gifted? I am not. Still the study that I have received has left a mark on my soul that is a blessing.

As the lights lowered I readied myself for the experience. This was my first live performance of the company and I did not know what to expect. Movement of course but the depth of color and sound heightened every step. It is a wonder how the human body can respond. Agility, strength and grace all encompassed in one movement…the placement of feet the extension of an arm. All I could think was magnificent!

Revelations was performed. When I think of Ailey I think of Revelations. This is my first and most loved piece. I believe that Revelations was fist performed in 1960. The music is spiritual I Been 'Buked, Didn't My Lord Deliver Daniel, Wade In The Water, I Wanna Be Ready and Rocka My Soul In The Bosom Of Abraham.

There is a joyfulness in this. I could see the roots of Ailey’s faith and upbringing. I saw fellowship in God, sadness in loss and inequity and the immeasurable pleasure of song. From the sereneness of the soft amber lighting of I Been 'Buked I witness the potency that was expressed through measured and fluid movement. I was laid speechless by the celebration of bright blue and white of Wade in the Water. It is the celebration of Baptism! I will always see this when I think of Ailey. Still there was more.

Three brilliant dancers move to Bach in Solo. This brought to me the realism of movement. This company was designed to share not one aspect of dance that is limited by any school of thought. This was more. This is proof of the ability to take the traditional and stir the new into a flavorful mix that floats and then rest gently on the pallet. I could name each ballet step… arabesque, fouetté or a batterie but what made each move more passionate was the freedom of expression.

I was a washed. My senses tingled. Tears formed. My soul sang in dazzling tones. My spirit was lifted. God’s design of the human form is nothing short of a miracle. Maybe we do see God every day we just fail to realize it. May my soul be fed often and may I feel and recognize its hunger! It is time for me to Wade In The Water

If you get there before I do.
God's gonna trouble the water.
Tell all of my friends I'm coming too.
God's gonna trouble the water.

Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos

UNCLE! Relinquish! Submit! Acquiesce!

Oh Fates, Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos what trickery do you play on me? Are you watching me with jest? Am I the equivalent of a situation comedy? Do you watch from your cave or are you on Olympus?

God, do you test me so that I recognize your grace? Is it to understand your unconditional love? Is this to teach me penitence or patients? Is it because I am the equivalent of a situation comedy?

I know that the above is not true. I know that God in all his/her infinite wisdom does have a sense of humor. I mean he/she must we are created in his/her image and humans do love a good laugh but you must wonder. Reminds me of a play “Steam Bath”. Remnants of another life…

Okay, I guess the rant flows from the fear blog. I have come to the conclusion that just because I want it does not mean that it is going to happen. We are not talking about shoes, sapphires and fast cars. I know that I am not meant to have these items and I am now okay with it. In my 20’s I was not okay but now I have moved on.

Okay so why does anyone even care about what I want? Simple, I am a viable, kind and spiritual person. I have been giving for decades and I would like a little something in return (this is not about sour grapes). You know, untold happiness, health, new siding for my house, a family that enjoys spending time together. I won’t even go into the personal of adoration, respect for my abilities and the never ending woman thing to be thought of or perceived as beautiful.

I assume (assume can make an ass out of u and me) that the fates are causing the above not to happen. Why I ask? I have little if any power. I am not a Greek Heroine. I don’t even remember anything about Greek Antiquity. Wait isn’t there something about columns? Maybe those are Roman…Doric, Ionic, Corinthian. This liberal arts education has my brain packed with crap I do not need but can I remember a phone number or the safe combination? No! This is a rant!

Back to what I want... me, me, me, me, me, me! This following is for you God. I have good health. I can see, hear, my teeth are factory originals and my body does what I tell it to do even if it is sometimes begrudgingly. I am mentally healthy too, although after reading my blogs this could be in question. The siding for my house…well that is like buying a car one day soon after I pay for my current automobile I can buy vinyl siding! After all what is life without debt? What is better is I have skills that I am being paid for.

I receive respect for my abilities daily. I am asked many questions by many people who value my opinion. It can be personal or professional. What is so odd is I say what I think and leave it at that. It seems to me that “you” would look for a person with a more contented disposition. Adoration? I can be a Hottie in my own mind if not in anyone elses. Actually I am a genteel woman with good skin, a sense of style and so I have been told a great rack. All that spun together does sound like untold happiness. Could it be that happiness is something you choose to be? I am going to start writing self help books.

You too can be happy by an angry yet genteel woman.
AKA
Don’t mess with me or I will rip your head off with an escargot fork!

My family? There are some things that are best left alone. Miracles happen every day but I would rather have a miracle that has some kind of far reaching effect. A cure for HIV/AIDS, peace in the Middle East or normal weather patterns to end the droughts world wide. Now I dictate what is a suitable miracle to God. Hmmm, maybe I am the living sit com on the human folly channel?